My Mose

 

I have never felt as lonely as I do right now. 

I have been alone, without a partner or children off on their own, for much of my adult life. Partners have come and gone, mostly gone. Children grow up and do what they are supposed to do, start their own lives. I see and recognize all of this. Sometimes it has felt harder than others. 

But I've always had a dog. 

And for the last 14+ years, I've had Mosley. 

I don't have Mosley anymore and, as I said, I have never felt as lonely as I do right now. 

I know he needed to go, his quality of life was not good or even fair anymore. but I feel like I've lost a limb. I find myself looking for him and being ready to do whatever he needs ( go out? Come in? eat? get a brushing and a hug?)

Mose was always within a few feet of me if possible. We both liked it that way. Working from home has been such a blessing for us both, as much for me as him. I loved nothing more then to dig my bare toes into his furry side as he snored under my desk while I did my job. My lovely furry boy. 

I am realizing, now that he's gone , just how much of my life is based around his needs. 

Gladly I stayed in at night.

Gladly I didn't make plans that took me away for more than a few hours.

Gladly I didn't seek out companionship, it was too hard with Mose. (He did not like to share me. Which was fine with me.)

I can hear your responses. 

" try to get out of the house!" 

" go for a walk with friends"

"call someone and talk". 

And I will do some of that. But I want my dog. I want Mose. 

I WANT him. 

I went through some bad times in the recent last few years, times when I was awash with grief and sadness and overwhelming anxiety. 

But I had Mose. He was always right there. 

Right there. 

I know it will ease, 

I know it will get better. 

I'll move forward because I have to. 

I have amazing friends that I will see, I will be with my kids and my grandkids.

I'll do things, get out of the house, work and shop and go for walks. 

This pain, I assume, will lessen. 

I will not have another dog. My circumstances and my heart will not allow it. I have 2 cats, who are generous but inconsistent with their attention. They are much more interested in what I can do for them. They do not have the unwavering adoration that my dog had for me nor do I for them. 

But they distract me and that's good. They give me a reason to get up, if only to feed them. 

I'll be fine. But I want my dog. 

SG

Soothing your soul

Most of us, without being told, would recognize that reading is good, as in:  good for you.  There are benefits from reading. We just kind of accept that this is true. 

A small amount of research on my part (ok, I googled it) backs this statement up with a list of actual health benefits of reading. 

- Reading reduces stress. 

- Reading helps you sleep better. 

- Reading keeps your mind sharp.

- Reading can improve your relationships. (Not sure I buy this one although I can see how it may help develop empathy for others) Some would argue that me having my nose stuck in a book did not enhance the relationship. 

**https://www.piedmont.org/living-real-change/health-benefits-of-reading

These are just a few kind of obvious and easy to find benefits of picking up a book you enjoy and spending time with it. 

I have always been a reader.

 It was my  life line when I was a kid in a dysfunctional family, it was my escape during the parts of my life that were tedious or difficult. It added to the joy during the joyful times, creating another layer to celebrate. Getting lost in a book was the best thing I could always do for myself. I could depend on it in a way that I couldnt depend on much else. I pretty much always had a book with me, always had one going and a couple ready to go. I loved to talk about books and find new authors that spoke to me. 

So many hours curled up reading! There was nothing like a lazy summer morning on the front porch swing reading, or hiding somewhere that I could read in peace, because reading in my family was not valued. I read on the family Sunday "drives" and got big grief for it.  We were a family of farmers and I was constantly chided for "wasting time" reading. 

But I still did. I had to. 

I spent time soaking up the fuel to go forward as if it was an investment, because it was.  Reading gives you a way to learn about things that you never even could have imagined, things like other people's feelings and inner lives. Reading took me places that I would never get to see in my actual life. It helped me understand so much of the world that was otherwise so hard to comprehend. Reading made me a liberal surrounded by conservatives (as if I didnt already stand out!). 

I didn't go to college until I was in my 30's. I was a single mom of 2 young kids and it's safe to safe that I was living a pretty narrow existence. I had grown up in a very conservative and intolerant part of the country. The writers, and thinking, that I was introduced to in college changed my life. People like Barbara Ehrenreich, Robert Putnam, Maya Angelou, Ruth Harriet Jacobs, Langston Hughes for pete's sake!! And so many more! I had never been exposed to these new ideas and I soaked it up. Gratefully. 

The friends I made from reading! Trixie Beldan and her gang, solving mysteries and exploring young love, Anne of Green gables with her sassiness and naiveté at the same time, the absolute satisfying fantasy of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. I could go on and on. I loved the classics as much as the trashy novels ( I had quite the Danielle Steele era)  Everyone should have these experiences, or something similar to have stored away in their subconscious selves. It helps us in ways that aren't recognized in an academic article necessarily. 

But for a couple of years recently, when I was going through some "stuff", (covid, a family member dying of cancer, kid in trouble) I couldn't read. 

I just couldn't.

 I couldn't find the reserves I needed to focus on the page in front of me. My usual tools had left me. My anxiety was twanging at high velocity for weeks and weeks. I had too many raw edges exposed and was just not able to engage. I know now that I was in a sort of survival mode and reading was not on Maslow's hierarch of needs.   It both baffled and frustrated me because I needed it. I needed my reading. I needed to escape and sooth myself in a way that I had never needed so deeply. 

Not being able to read left me floundering. I tried to watched tv, which is an escape but not what I needed. I was too dysregulated to find something to focus on. Meanwhile, life was happening. I needed to function. I needed to be out in the world somewhat but honestly Covid could not have happened at a better time for me. I had an excuse to be home, where I felt the most safe. 

But I needed to read. 

So I kept trying. 

I tried old favorites and some of them worked briefly but not enough to do the job. People suggested books, but I quickly realized anything with "suspense" or "thriller" in the description was not good. It triggered a physical reaction, same with anything  too emotional or ...fraught. 

I would spiral and not be able to recoup for days.

Crying became very very tedious.  

 So no. 

I was craving the solace found in losing yourself in a place you've never been with people you would never meet but might like to.  

I kept trying. 

Finally, FINALLY, when life started to smooth just a tiny bit, I tried an author  who simply wrote good stories. They were set in the English countryside for the most part, there were families that had just a little bit of struggle but not enough to leave me anxious. They were intelligent enough to challenge me. My friend Amy calls these books "light but not stupid". 

I got every one of her books that I could find and read them. Then I found some others from a light hearted Scottish author, same MO, just good stories. I started to feel I was less anxious, less "wound", able to sooth myself. 

I also realized that binging old tv shows helped on a similar level. Anything that I didnt have to pay too close attention to. Having Mary Tyler Moore on while I cooked or puttered was good. It was the same with Sex and the City ( dont disparage that show if you're tempted! Im convinced there is an episode for every life event!) I binged all of Cheers and Frasier, Gilmore Girls, and Modern Family. I felt sad when I reached the end of a series but there's always another. I finally got around to watching Big Bang Theory! I tried, and failed, with a few. West Wing was an unmitigated disaster. 

The shows let me get stuff done without thinking too much. But the reading was the gift. The gift of lying on the couch and actually relaxing, shutting down my mind and body. Being able to read again gave me back the inner resources to function. 

I again was so grateful. 

And now I work in a library! You can find me on Saturdays at the circulation desk in our small town library. Talk about a gift! For this introvert it is the perfect amount of social contact. I feel connected to the town and can talk about books all day. I go home completely drained but it's a joy. And because of it, I've found other authors that I can lose myself with. 

I may always deal with a bit of anxiety ( see my earlier post on PTSD), but knowing how to sooth myself is a tool that I will also always have. And there's a heck of a lot of books out there. 

S'all good

SG

A nice life

Wow, it's been a really long time since I have finished a blog post enough to publish it. I guess I waited until I had something to say. 

 I have a nice life, nothing fancy but solidly good. 

Friends, family, a job I enjoy. I live in a town where the church bell  strikes on the hour and you can hear the paper mill whistle at 7 am. I live close to the lake in the center of town and walk the dog down to the “point” at least once a day. We also walk the rail trails all over town, running into neighbors and catching up on how every one is.  

I love it here in this small town. 

But then there's this. 

A little over a  year ago I was diagnosed with PTSD. Actually CPTSD - Complex Post traumatic stress disorder. I am not going to bore you with the textbook definition of Cptsd, you can look it up or not, but trust me when I say it's there. 

I am not happy about this diagnosis, in many ways it makes me feel "less than". 

But I am also relieved at some level. It explains a lot.

A LOT. 

It explains why I need to be alone. A lot. A REAL lot. Why sometimes leaving the house and being around people is just way more than I can do. 

It explains why I get panicky and short of breath when I think about having to do certain things. 

It explains the HUGE reactions to "small" things.

It explains why I dont really listen to music much, ( there's enough going on in my head already) or enjoy anyplace with a lot of noise. 

It explains my difficulty with change, especially unexpected. 

It explains most of my sleep difficulties and nightmares. 

It explains a lifelong pattern of unhealthy choices. (3 divorces! lots of job hopping!)

and on and on....

I was taking the assessment because of wanting a medical cannabis card for sleep and pain. Taking the assessment was a revelation. 

The questions caught me off-guard. I felt so exposed. 

"Wait!! You know about that?!? You know that happens?!"

 Having the layer of pretense peeled back by the clinician was revelatory for me. 

It told me that this stuff happens to OTHERS! That in itself was hugely comforting and regulating for me. 

It doesn't really matter why I have CPTSD ( it's kind of a death by a thousand cuts situation) but suffice it to say there has been a life time of  abuse, many losses, trauma, and then a couple of huge events more recently. Not to mention "THE TIME OF COVID" ( this should be accompanied in your head by blaring trumpets). 

There has been a lot of research around the science of CPTSD and how it affects us. Here is a good explanation that I found helpful

So what happens now?

That was my question. I mean, just having a diagnosis doesnt really change anything in a big way. But what I am finding is that it changes things in small ways that add up to big ways. I feel empowered to take control of this, to learn about how to help myself and get on track for some real healing. I pay attention to my reactions now instead of denying or hiding them.

And I also feel like I finally have a road map to building the kind of life that nurtures me instead of constantly feeling like I am swimming upstream or butting my head against a wall. 

I've given myself permission to not work in Human Services anymore, which was HARD for me. It has been a big part of my identity for many years. Many CPTSD folks like to help. It's how we feel valued and recognized. It was not an accident that I was in a profession that helped others but drained me. 

 Why talk about this you may ask? 

Well, I think it helps, not just me or any other person with CPTSD, but also OTHERS who may have someone in thier life who seems like they are struggling. There is a good chance that that person has had trauma of some kind that is unprocessed and interferring in thier life. That is maybe affecting thier decision making or social skills or even just how they are able to move around in the world. Maybe you or someone else reading this will recognize some of what Im saying about yourself, and get some recovery skills and relief. Resources are out there. 

I think it helps, to talk and listen and pull it all out into the light. The whole topic of Mental Health is a big one and one that deserves conversation and recognition. We need and deserve to know what it looks like and how to help both ourselves and others. 

I feel lucky to have people in my life that keep inviting me places even though I rarely accept. I feel lucky to have a work and home life that allows me to care for myself in a nurturing way. I think this is possible because I DID pull it into the light. 

So, I am still here. paying attention and choosing carefully and enjoying the parts that work. 

s'all good, 

SG

As if..

As if dating in your 50's wasnt hard enough,
Along comes THE PANDEMIC and says
“ hold my beer...."




Ok, to be completely transparent,
I wasn't doing much in the way of dating anyway.
I am not in the mood.
I haven't BEEN in the mood for quite some time to be honest.
I am snarky and tired and more than a bit overwhelmed on most days.

I like to nest in my home, seeing friends and my family and hanging out with the dog.

And now? With this situation?
I mean, c'mon?!

Even though much of my life hasn't changed during this period of distancing (I am not exactly a social butterfly in the best of times) there is one huge change I've found:
I have time.
Lots of time.
After living almost exclusively in a vortex of rushing around and multi-tasking, I suddenly can slow down.
Not just can, but have to.
There's no place to rush to,
no person waiting,
no tasks piling up because I had time to actually DO them.
I can go for walks with the dog and not check the time, know that I can linger as long as he wants to sniff that spot or wade in the water.
I can cook a decent breakfast every morning and even sit down to eat it.
Couch time with a book is no longer an elusive prize to chase and don't even get me started on napping! Oh the long glorius naps we are having, with both cat and dog curled up close, sun streaming in the windows or, more likely this year in these early days of spring, the sound of rain making  it more cozy still.
 And yes, I am working from home, but it's such a different feeling than rushing around in the morning in order to get myself to the office every day, leaving my sad-faced dog behind.

Given all these forced changes, if I am feeling the need to connect with the dating world, online is the only choice at the moment. In the past this was the efficient way, the thing that busy adults did who didn't have time or energy to go seek a companion by going out socializing.
But now that it's the only option, and since everyone is sitting home anyway, I vote that we  make it work for us.

I have done online dating ,of some sort or another ,on and off for years.
Mostly off lately, even before the pandemic.
Now, with the social distancing, it seemed pointless to even be online since a meeting is not an option at the moment.
But then I started thinking, could this be good?
 You see, my favorite part of online dating is the chatting, connecting through the email feature and exchanging messages for a bit. Many times this doesn't last long enough, at least for me. Frequently men want to jump to meeting pretty darn quickly.  But oh, when someone does want to chat and they're witty and can write, well, its pretty great. It's intoxicating in ways that a half hour coffee date to see if there are "sparks" just isn't.
And now we have no choice.
No coffee dates, no lunches, no dinners.
I guess you could meet for a walk with someone, and I know some who have "dated" this way, but that's pretty frustrating trying to converse with someone you really don't know while maintaining a 6 foot minimum distance.
Someone suggested video dating.
No.
I mean, do you know ANYONE that looks good during a zoom meeting or facetime?
No, you do not.

Is it possible to connect without meeting?
What if we could go back to the days of exchanging notes for weeks before meeting?
Of courting?
Communicating with someone on a deeper level than the quick back and forth that usually precedes the first date.
Dating app email is good for starts and the phone is good as well, but I confess, I am a texter. Nothing makes me smile more than getting a series of texts through out the day. Quick, funny,  irreverent - all good. But also the longer exchanges that can happen while you both may be doing something else ( I am an incurable multi-tasker).
Recently I connected with someone that I had met online last fall. He had met someone else before we even met in person and so we stopped chatting. But we fell back into it pretty fast and it was fun. Really fun.
I actually wanted to meet him and see if anything was  “there". That doesn't happen often for me.
But, as much as I love the chat, I also have learned the hard way that an eventual meet is required and doesn’t always go the way you hope. Someone may be captivating on the phone or text, but when you actually are face to face it
Just. Doesn’t. Happen.
For whatever reason.
Maybe that's why I don't rush into the "meet phase", its kind of nice to entertain the fantasy of someone for a while without seeing how they look talking or dealing with hygiene issues or whatever else they (and yes, me!) have as personal quirks. It's sometimes hard to predict what little thing about yourself or someone else may be intolerable.

This man and I didn't meet and apparently won't. He had been having a series of social distance walks with several women. ( side note: juggling several  women while you decide which one you will grace with your undivided attention is the definition of the term “Player”, no matter how much you protest that you are not. Ahem. )
He and one of those women went to the next level of interest when he decided that doing the “36 questions” activity would be a fun way to pass the time on a face to distanced face  date which took place on his front porch. If you don't know about the 36 questions, look it up.
He seemed surprised that this activity would be translated into a higher level of interest, but it appropriately was, and so there he goes.

This is where communicating with writing and some phone can go awry. What does it MEAN? It is clearly open to different interpretations from different people. I can and have felt incredibly connected to someone while only texting and talking on the phone. Yes,  I have found that its important to keep one foot on the floor as a reality check ( we don't actually know each other , do we?) until the meet, but during that fun period of texting and chatting I can feel pretty darned connected. And, although it surprises a lot of men,  they can feel it too.
Is this the courting I crave?
However, the minute one of you is spending actual time in the same space with another, I am not going to muddy the water by engaging in a daily text marathon with someone else. That energy belongs to the other person in the room.
It’s a hard lesson but one worth learning in my book. No drama please.

So here we are. Pioneers in the skills of dating during pandemic. Whether we want to be or not.
Shoot me a text and we can talk about it.
It's all good.
SG

You Have Junk mail.....

I woke up to this email from a Match.com member:
"You are more beautiful than a parrot"
I don't know how to respond to that. 
I don't. 

I am writing this on a Sunday.
I am watching "You've Got Mail" and licking my Match.com wounds, all while catching up on work because, god forbid,  I am not PRODUCTIVE!
FFS.
By the way, I fall in love with Tom Hanks all over again every time I watch this movie.
I love the quote from Meg Ryan's character: 
"There isn't someone else, but there is the dream of someone else."

The movie will make me alternately wretched and hopeful.
I will end the day eating something I shouldn't, no doubt.

I've been on a few dates lately, some just on the phone.
The phone dates go something like this:
Me: Hello!  how are you?
And then they proceed to tell me, for 45 minutes or as long as I can stand it, all about THEM until I lie and say I have to let the dog out. 
Or slit my wrists.

Think I’m exaggerating? 
I’m not. 
I have lost count of how many men give me a dissertation on their wonderful selves during the ENTIRE phone call.
I have kept track of how many times they actually ask me about ME. 
Many times, they don't. 
I will try at least once or twice to interject something related to me or my life, to see if they pick up the thread. 
Nope. 
Sometimes I give it another try, a 2nd call, if it’s not totally bad. But if the 2nd one proves equally difficult for me getting a word in edgewise, then I know.
Bye bye.
Don't tell me they are nervous. 
They are not nervous. I can tell nervous.
They are self absorbed ego maniacs. 
No thank you.
A friend asked if I shouldn’t give them a chance face to face? Maybe I was too harsh?
As I've mentioned before, I have to feel leaving the house for a date is a better option than staying home with the dog.
I don't feel that very often.

I did meet a man for coffee not too long ago. 
He seemed very nice, pretty easy to talk to, a little nerdy, but I can do nerdy.
He showed up 32 minutes late, with his zipper down and driving a 2009 Honda.
He told me he was late because he didn't want to wake up his 15 year old son. 
It was 1:00 in the afternoon.
Nope.

And, I really got it wrong recently.
A couple of times.
Like my heart got involved and was awash with hope momentarily, which is all I try to let it do these days.
Dammit.


Dating gaff #1
 I don't actually blame myself for. After several fun phone conversations and lots of fun text messaging, we had a date planned. 
Dinner...yay!
So there is NO WAY I could have predicted the call from him, the night before our meet,  "disclosing" that he had had a girlfriend. That he met online.
And that she had gotten cancer.
And died.
3 WEEKS PREVIOUS TO THIS CONVERSATION!
That's right, his live-in girlfriend, the person he fell in love with after his divorce 3 years ago, had died just 3 weeks ago.

I was speechless.
Which is hard to do with me.
How do you RESPOND to this news??
I asked questions, such as " what are you thinking?!?" and told him that there was no way he was ready to date. 
He was calm and sure of himself, he was "in a good place" with all of it, etc.
But still....holy christ.
We did have dinner. I liked this guy and thought, well, maybe we would be friends. We could see how things evolved.
I will remind you  here that I don't often feel drawn to many people to the point where I actually WANT to meet them face to face.
It just so rarely happens, that I wanted to follow through.
And dinner WAS great, but...
The dead girlfriend loomed large, for me anyway. The evening had a surreal quality to it. 
And then came our after dinner convo.
He had issues with people who were less than "strong financially". He wanted someone to travel with him, to be able to lead a certain kind of lifestyle. 
I am not "strong financially".
I disclosed this to him. 
I used the term "working poor" which he was unfamiliar with. "What's that?"
It means I work my ass off and still don't have much money.
His response "well, I'm not a sugar daddy if that's what you're looking for" did not make my heart sing.
So....no.

Dating gaff #2

This one was harder.
I still feel sad and just...queasy about it.

Here's a little tip for you men:
If a woman really rocks your world, don't wait.
Don't hesitate, don't play games,
Don't try to play it cool. 
Let her KNOW.
Let her know as soon as possible and as often as you can, what you are thinking and feeling.
Do not assume she knows that shit, because, chances are, she doesn't. 
Anyway.....
We had connected months ago. We set a date to meet.
And he called me the day before to cancel because he "needed to go skiing".
I was a bit pissed but not upset. I didnt know him, we hadn't met. His loss I felt.
Fast forward several months. I see an old email of his when I am cleaning out my inbox. I check out his profile, and think nothing of it.
He saw that I looked at his profile.
He sends me an email.
After a little chitchat,  he does a GREAT job of expressing remorse. He said he was " being very selfish and self-centered as well as single minded." and wondered how things would have gone if we had met.
I felt like an actual date was a good idea.

We met. We had dinner.
It was fabulous. Like, seriously great. We talked, we laughed , we flirted.
I was smiling a LOT.
And then?
Nothing.
He just wasn't "there".
I finally broke down and texted him a few days later, he responded.
Polite but cool-ish. WTF?!
I am not good at the game playing aspect of dating.
I am direct.
I called him, to ask him directly: WTF?!
He confirmed that he had a great time on our date and had wanted to see me again, but that he felt I had "rejected him" at the end of our date.
I was SUPER confused at this point. In my view, we had a fun little
"car time" before saying goodbye. But to him, it wasn't enough. He was apparently pouting because I hadn't been ...hmmm..."friendlier".
At this point, Im pissed. I asked him " did you think we were actually going to have sex in your car in a public parking lot??!!"
He responds " give me 3 reasons why we shouldn't?"
Holy shit.
I'll give you one reason you a******, because I said "no."

I hung up.
But, I was STUNNED!
And completely thrown for a loop.
WHAT had just happened?!?!

So, here I am.
I felt sad and confused.
And like I can't even TALK to men for a while.

I know LOTS of amazing men.
I raised two pretty wonderful specimens.
I have male friends who love and support me.
But, I honestly don't GET the dating thing.
I give up.
At least for now. It is apparently some sort of alternate universe that I don't have the password for.

And now, it's winter. I hibernate in the winter, doing things that are cozy and ...singular.
Lots of reading, couch time, cooking in my future.
And regrouping from the self-esteem bashing that is called dating.

Look for me and the Mose out walking. He's still my greatest companion.

S'all good....
SG

Back at the rodeo...

Some people feel I am too negative about dating. That I should maybe just relax and "go with the flow" more ( obviously not someone who knows me well). 
But, here's the thing, after a fairly lovely 2016, the arrival of 2017 brought just so much bad juju. 

I dont want to whine, but what the hell, here goes...

I ended a tumultuous (being polite, it was a cluster f***) relationship a little over a year ago. There were so many things just..wrong with the situation, that it hurt to even think about it too much. I was perfectly happy to become hermit like and nurse myself back to some sort of place with more sanity, with the help of my team of course. 

I was happy to do that, but honestly it didn't really happen that way. Because, well, life. 

First it was a pay cut at work. A SIGNIFICANT pay cut. By a third. 
Think about that. 
Take the amount of money you bring home every month, divide it by 3, and then subtract that from your total take home. 
I hadn't been living a luxurious lifestyle anyway, but for the first time in my adult life I had been making enough to pay bills and have a small buffer. A very small buffer, but still. 
I was so grateful. 
That was now gone, and then some. 

I was trying to absorb and deal with this while the relationship was exploding so the financial stuff didn't really sink in for several months and by that time it was a crisis. I am what's considered a member of "the working poor". I work my butt off, usually at least 2 jobs, sometimes 3 when my kids were younger. So now i was back to scrambling for part time work along with the full time (draining) job just to pay my bills. Not for extra discretionary funds. 
By the way, sorry if this topic makes you squirm, but 78% of americans live paycheck to paycheck, in debt and tenuous. Its a fact of life for millions, I would bet for many of your friends and neighbors. Get your head out of the sand and don't be judgy. 

Then, my mother died. 
Which came with all sorts of conflicting feelings, since we had been estranged for a long time and had only just reconnected the previous year. 
I was so glad for the few visits I had with her and really sad that there wouldn't be more. But it was also one of those situations where her health and quality of life had not been great. 
My siblings and I are not on good terms so that added another delightful twist. 
I had amazing people supporting me through this uncharted territory but I still felt...raw. 
Just kind of sliced open. 
While still looking for some sort of part time work. 
While still feeling my heart was an open wound.  

So summer kind of flew by with me a frantic mess. 

And then I got in a car accident. 
Have you ever been in a car accident? 
It just ....sucks. 
I was hit head on. I was ok, at least I was upright and walking. Injuries did not show themselves for a couple of week and I am still, 3 months later, in significant pain some days from the whiplash that snuck up on me. 
Yes yes, I am in PT and I did all the other stuff I needed to do which is a LOT. 
I have never felt more frustrated or victimized than I did negotiating this mess of insurance, lawyers, medical appointments and car dealerships. 

So yeah, break-up, paycut, Mom death, and car accident. all in under 12 months. 
And of course add to it all the other normal LIFE things that come along. Job related, kid related, home related, etc. 
And yes, I fully acknowledge that I have MANY many things to be grateful for. 

But dating?
During this?
Um...no. 

Skip ahead to now-ish. 
A month or so ago i thought, ok, maybe its time to think about it. I don't  feel ready to hang up my spurs quite yet. But also don't really feel like I am on firm footing with the whole thing. 
Enter...online dating. 
Yes again. 
What IS IT with me and this venue??

I was having this exact discussion with a friend recently, about how even knowing how dismal it is, I still go back. She feels it's entertainment, which is true on a bunch of levels.
I mean, here are some quick examples of the headlines on profiles from a recent search and my internal response:

*I'm looking for my new best friend...
No. Just stop. 

*I am currently working on my PhD in computer science and puppetry. 
What?!?

*I am on a journey, no... a quest for a woman who will be my lover/friend/ confidant/trusted companion...my partner in life. 
Oh, hell no. 

And a recent fav:  *I lost my passion in life the day I saw the light fade from the eyes of my beloved wife as she slipped away into Eternity 3 1/2 years ago. It’s a good thing that I can type without looking at my keyboard, since it’s so hard to see the keys through the tears that I shed every time I think of her passing.
Holy christ! Hide the sharps!
This person needs therapy WAY more than I even do!!

So, Entertaining? Yes, but its more than just that I think.
It's this damned hopefulness,which in itself is not bad I dont think. Hope that there's someone that will "fit".
That wont have guns, or smoke cigarettes or vote republican. That wont mind that I am not interested in riding on their motorcycle. (I'm not, stop asking). 
That I find attractive and doesnt mind the last 10 pounds that I cant seem to shed. 
That "gets" my dog and the admittedly codependent relationship I have with him. 
That laughs at my jokes. 

I have TRIED recently. 
I went on dates. 
I had an anxiety attack, because I didn't want to be there but felt like I should try. He was a perfectly nice person, and I really enjoyed talking to him, but that was all. 
I ended up feeling guilty. 

So so helpful. 

And, the proverbial final straw was last night. After having a nice back and forth on email with a witty, educated professional man, I suddenly had a hunch.
 I dont even remember what it was he said, but I knew he voted for trump. 
I asked him directly and he responded honestly. 
Yes. 
Yes?!? 
Why the HELL is this person talking to me?!? My profile on line is dripping with my liberal-ness. I felt violated. 
I got a line or two from him about believing in open minds, blah blah blah. 
No
This conversation is over. 

I shut down my profile. I was disgusted. 

Am I ready to "date"? 
Who the hell knows?!
I know I am NOT dating just to get out of the house. 
In fact, in February in New England, being in my house seems like the best place to be. 

It's warm and cozy and there's always something yummy to eat. 
The dog loves me and the cat loves my lap. 
I talk to my friends and read and watch netflix. 

It is, I think, what I  need. 

The hopefulness is waning, not gonna lie. 
But what I do still feel hope about is that its fine. 
To not be beating my head against the dating room wall. 
To be content in my bubble, waiting for spring and warmth and new beginnings. 


S'all good. 
SG

Contusion of the soul.

Mose is ready for anything. 

I would have to say, overall, I feel fairly powerless these days. Our political climate in this country is just ...bad. It's like our country has some sort of terrible disease  and no one is offering any real treatments or options. It's fear, panic, and frustration 24/7. We yell, we march, we protest, we petition, and yet all this SHIT is happening all around us. A tsunami of events that we could not have made up in our worst nightmares is now our reality. 

When 45 dropped that hellish bomb last week, I cried. I was weepy or openly sobbing for hours. I just couldn't get on top of it. The reality of what it must have been like for those people to have this monstrous thing drop down on them, is beyond what I could absorb. I felt stunned.  I know many who felt the same way. I'm crying again while I write this. My very soul feels bruised by this horror. And every day it's something new, isn't it?

Everyday I read some terrible new repulsive thing that our leader is trying to jam down our throats and I could scream. Our leaders, not all but certainly the most visible ones, are apparently lunatics. It is a liberal girls nightmare and just seems to get worse daily. Its UNFATHOMABLE to me and many others, what the hell these people are thinking!! 

Are they thinking??  

On top of this national reality show gone bad is my own small world. 
With my banged up heart. 

Yes, my heart was broken recently-ish. It was not the first time and I'm pretty sure it wont be the last since it seems to be part of the human condition. 

But, holy cow, I really TRIED to not let it happen this time. 

 I did my own personal relationship version of marching, protesting, and petitioning and it still didn't go the way I hoped. This relationship circled the drain for a long time, feeding my hope and letting me believe again. 

It was, shall we say, painful. 

And disheartening. 

I'm fine. 

I mean, don't get me wrong,  there was some days that I felt like I was walking through broken glass trying to find a safe path through the shards. Those days became less and now spring has finally taken hold ( I hope!!) so at least in the small picture, hope can be found. 
We can hope even while sorting through the pain and disappointment and shame ( yes shame, that's another blog) and upset after a situation implodes. 

We NEED to hope. 

Because, here's the thing:

People are just so goddam ...fragile. 
And full of flaws. 

Every fucking one of us. 
We can and should recognize that is the case but it doesn't mean that sweetness isn't there. 
We can find the sweetness and need to remember to look. That is what hope is for me: remembering to look for the sweetness. 

We cant necessarily change the big crappy stuff that's going on around us. YES...we should continue to fight the good fight! Make some noise, scream, yell, march, work with others to change the wrongs. 

But we also have to take the time to hear that small voice inside that says "hey, i could use a little break here, whattya say?" 
And step out of lane for a bit. 
Whether its to take a breather from the big picture insanity or to give your broken heart time to heal. 

So I am trying as hard as I can to stay "present". and in the moment as much as possible in my small but messy life. That's what I am capable of when I feel powerless in the big picture, and that's what I NEED when I am overwhelmed with the small picture. 

Go and find joy in the day. 
Love people. 
Laugh with friends and sometimes cry with them. 
Eat some really yummy food. 
GO OUTSIDE

I plan on hugging my grand girls and watching them run crazy around the yard. 
And walking the Mose
And laughing at myself at least 3 times today. 
You?

S'all good, 

SG