I have never felt as lonely as I do right now.
I have been alone, without a partner or children off on their own, for much of my adult life. Partners have come and gone, mostly gone. Children grow up and do what they are supposed to do, start their own lives. I see and recognize all of this. Sometimes it has felt harder than others.
But I've always had a dog.
And for the last 14+ years, I've had Mosley.
I don't have Mosley anymore and, as I said, I have never felt as lonely as I do right now.
I know he needed to go, his quality of life was not good or even fair anymore. but I feel like I've lost a limb. I find myself looking for him and being ready to do whatever he needs ( go out? Come in? eat? get a brushing and a hug?)
Mose was always within a few feet of me if possible. We both liked it that way. Working from home has been such a blessing for us both, as much for me as him. I loved nothing more then to dig my bare toes into his furry side as he snored under my desk while I did my job. My lovely furry boy.
I am realizing, now that he's gone , just how much of my life is based around his needs.
Gladly I stayed in at night.
Gladly I didn't make plans that took me away for more than a few hours.
Gladly I didn't seek out companionship, it was too hard with Mose. (He did not like to share me. Which was fine with me.)
I can hear your responses.
" try to get out of the house!"
" go for a walk with friends"
"call someone and talk".
And I will do some of that. But I want my dog. I want Mose.
I WANT him.
I went through some bad times in the recent last few years, times when I was awash with grief and sadness and overwhelming anxiety.
But I had Mose. He was always right there.
Right there.
I know it will ease,
I know it will get better.
I'll move forward because I have to.
I have amazing friends that I will see, I will be with my kids and my grandkids.
I'll do things, get out of the house, work and shop and go for walks.
This pain, I assume, will lessen.
I will not have another dog. My circumstances and my heart will not allow it. I have 2 cats, who are generous but inconsistent with their attention. They are much more interested in what I can do for them. They do not have the unwavering adoration that my dog had for me nor do I for them.
But they distract me and that's good. They give me a reason to get up, if only to feed them.
I'll be fine. But I want my dog.
SG
