2 dogs,
2 matching leather couches,
2 laptops,
1 large -ass tv tuned to a cooking show with the sound off....
This is quality time with the Swannydude...
I am content here.
Yes, there is a Swannydude, counter part to the Swannygirl. We are related, he is vital to my support system.
And happy-ish.
So I haven't been writing as much. It's been so nice to have this interlude where things just seem....right.
Not that my life is a drudge normally.
I like my life.
But you know how there always seems to be one area that isn't "working"?
Like if your job is going great, then home is a mess.
Or if home and work are doing well, then your kids fall apart.
Or If your kids, work and home are doing well, then your car dies.
Or your dog develops a really inconvenient aversion to the field where he usually does his "business". ( ok that one may just be my life).
anyhoo...
you get the idea.
All my bits seem to be chugging along pretty well at the moment.
Except...
Relationships are frustrating, thats for certain.
I recently ended one ( well, 3 months ago) that had gone on much longer than it should have and was completely dysfunctional on many levels. He was and is, not really "available" for a relationship, due to a number of factors, but I still hung in there for 2 years, hoping and believing that it would get better. The first 18 months we never spent time together, mostly talked on telephone after meeting at a christmas party in 2014. He wasnt in another relationship, but definitely not able to engage with me. We finally did actually "date", for 6-7 months. It was chaos. So now I am spending a lot of energy in therapy trying to understand what it all was for me. Why was I so drawn to him? Why wouldnt i trust what i saw and felt with my own eyes: that he was not ABLE to actually do this? Not sure I'll ever know. I care for him deeply and know he cares for me. But it finally came down to me needing to make a choice that was healthy for myself. Sorry to ramble, but the point is, Do we ever really KNOW why we are drawn to people? I think the best we can hope for is that we find someone that is available for what we are looking for, and that we recognize that in each other. And always to practice compassion and kindness through out the process, especially towards ourselves. So I cope.
Some days better than others. Luckily, being alone is not the big deal for me that it is for some.
But there are days when it just feels like I am the only one without something planned and someone to do it with...
It makes me consider tap dancing lessons.
Or Martial Arts classes.
I end up shopping for exercise equipment online.
And watching things I know will make it worse ( Note: do NOT watch "When Harry Met Sally" if you have the relationship blues unless you have a lot of tissues available).
However, I feel grateful. That I can do this...
I dont feel ...frantic.
Just, you know, kind of blue.And not even every day.
Thats ok, right?
I'm working, eating, talking to people.
I clean my house and walk the dog a lot.
I take the grandgirls as much as I can.
I go to movies with friends and have people over for dinner.
I read and chat on Facebook.
And...
I continue to communicate with Mr. Elusive, my pretend boyfriend.
Because it's not ..done.
Apparently.
The moments of joy, and even grace, are still outweighing the crummy parts.
I figure there are lessons to be learned here.
So, let me know if you want to walk. Or go to a movie. Or go for tap dancing lessons.
S'all good
SG
