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Saturday, May 30, 2015

Life is short and the dog is good company...

Here's the thing...
I am pretty happy most of the time, just being home.
With the dog.
You know, puttering around, reading, watching tv, going for walks, playing on the computer, baking or cooking.
I am content.
But I do want,,,something. ( no not THAT...necessarily,  get yer head outta the gutter).
I miss the companionship of communicating with my "person." at the end of the day.
Or throughout the day.
 I am a communicator,,,It jazzes me up and revs my engine. Text, talk, email,,,whatever...

So I am making the EFFORT to connect....except, maybe not much of an effort.
It's just that it takes a LOT to entice me to go out on an actual date.
Because men are,,,ya know, hard to understand ( my finely honed diplomacy skills at work here)
 Or maybe I just cant find one that makes me even want to TRY to understand him.....I'm sure it's me,,,right? know what?
These MEN...
They dont even READ my damn dating profile!!

Darling reader,,,you know me pretty well by now. You know that I am fairly, lets say, direct. Ok,,,,,blunt.
I used to say to Ex #3, "at least YOU dont have to guess what I'M thinking".

So you can safely ASSUME that my online profile is FULL of useful bits of information about me.
Here's a bit:

I'm honestly not sure what Im looking for on here anyway........
someone to chat with? 
New friend to have dinner with?
Surprise me!

Do I want to find a nice guy to have MORE with?
OF COURSE I DO!! Good god, who doesnt??!

But I am willing to be open and take things slow.I feel like it will happen when its supposed to.

Pretty straight forward,,yes? Low key, not too...intense.
And yet men feel compelled to connect with me by saying they feel a "love connection" FROM MY PROFILE and need to see me immediately. And actually have planned out our weekends for the foreseeable future.
And they call me sweetheart/sexy/darling...
Thank god for the "block" function on these sites.....

Another bit of my profile:
Do you have guns? We are probably not a match.
Do you have a motorcycle? Prob not a match, but possible.
Do you want me to RIDE your motorcycle?? Not a match. yes, really.
And I really just cant be around cigarette smoke..

I'm not sure how much clearer I could be.....and yet....?

I get a note from a retired military guy who is sitting on his motorcycle holding his gun....
"You look fun, can we chat?"
What would you like to chat about Captain? What a clueless idiot you are?

Last week I get a note from "mydog'sgone" who tells me he is a "social smoker" and would that fit in my criteria for no smoking?
No, no it would not.
And no, I didnt ask what a social smoker is because I DONT CARE.

Another nice man sent me a note, a bit of an ice breaker. I checked out his profile, noticed that he was "Christian" and that it was "fairly important to him."
I responded thank you for the note but that i didn't think we would be a good match.
Now, at this point, most people know to  just move along. Not this guy. "why are we not a good match? I think we are. Cant we at least talk?"
Sir, you feel that Creationism should be taught in schools, and you describe yourself as conservative. I feel confident we have nothing to talk about.
At that point he felt compelled to tell me that " You damn liberals are so judgmental"...
Alrighty then...

Sometimes I do actually make it out for a face to face.
Lets call him Adam.
I knew Adam quite a long time ago, he dated a friend of mine. I was sure we were not a match for dating, and told him so, but he wanted to have coffee.
It started out ok, a bit of catching up and comparing jobs.
 And then...he wanted to talk about his Christianity.
I talked about the weather, he talked about ?
His Christianity.
I told him about my job, grand kids, dog...
He talked about his Christianity.
Finally I said " Adam, I am not just NOT Christian...I am ANTI-christian.
 He joked "you mean like Anti-christ?"
Me, deadpan:  "I'm comfortable with that."
Him: blink blink blink....

It kind of went sliding/crashing downhill from there.
Climaxing with him telling me it "was too bad" that I hadn't pushed my boys to join the service when they were younger...
Adam? I would move my boys to Sweden before I would have them join the service in this country.
AAANNNDD...we're done here.

The absolute kicker? About an hour after I practically ran to my car I get a text from him:
"That was fun, let's do it again soon."

The dog and I had a very nice rest of the weekend.

S'all good.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Gentlemen,,put your shirts on!

Always a happenin time in the Dollhouse...

Last week my online profile was "looked at" by a guy called "Missing fingers"...I wish I was joking...
but I'm not.

Some people assume that, because I've been married a couple times, ( OK!... 3 times alright?! Shut up!) and have had a "few" relationships, that I may be less than positive about men.

Some People would be wrong.

I like men.
Ive spawned 2 pretty wonderful specimens.
I enjoy the  company of men as a general rule and love the fact that I have several male friends in my life at the moment. My cousin, Swannydude, is one of my most valuable team members
( I adore him) and is astute enough to apologize to me on a regular basis for his gender.
he knows, that although I like men,and occasionally love them, they are frequently ,,you know,,,,,,less than bright.

Online dating brings this fact to the top of the pond like nothing else I have ever experienced.
It's incredible. And scary. And hilarious,,,
Im sorry ,,it IS!

Before anyone goes all crazy and tells me I'm being  Judgmental and rude....let me just say that
yes I AM!
That's what online dating is all about.
You, the customer, are basically shopping for a product that appeals to you and meets your needs.You get to judge and compare.
You look, sometimes you reach out, sometimes someone reaches out to you....
Frankly all the players are in very vulnerable positions.

A lot of the time people (Men in my case) reach out to you and you wonder if they even consider the fact that people (women) will see their profile.
Now before I get too far into this I want to recognize the fact that I believe that there is someone for everyone, and just because I may be skeeved out by the guy posing with 2 dead deer next to him doesnt mean ALL women will be.
 I get that.
But I still feel that there are a few basic rules that men can follow.

Guys...think about your profile name. THINK about it. For me personally (again I know other women may not be bothered) I look for a low key approach. Witty might be fine but really, just keep it simple and not....intense. Or rude. Maybe something that says something POSITIVE about you. Maybe dont mention that you have missing fingers for example. Or brag about your alleged sexual prowess..just sayin...
Safe choices:
Eat, dance, love ( although this one is on the edge for me...I hated that book);
or use your name:
Paul 1059

None of these make me frightened, or squeamish.
or frightened...
Trying NOT to frighten women is a good general rule.

For instance these names are NOT men I would gravitate to...

- GilesDungeon (Alarm!!!)

-RUKiddingme22 ( This guy's whole profile was disparaging..why are you HERE buddy?!)

-JerryKKK (um,,,no and take that hood off) 

- Commondisaster (Thanks for the warning)

- ArtforFartsake (no,,,just no. go away)

- PianoSparkle (ok, I know Im just being mean, but are you a damn Unicorn?!?

And my favorite this week, because it made me laugh was  BlueEyedBaldGuy ....and he was. 

The pictures you choose are pretty damn important too. General rule: Show us your "A" game.
If your best effort includes more visible hair in your nose than my dog has on his entire head,
that's a no.

It is ASTOUNDING how many middle aged men think the best way to portray themselves is with a beer in their hand and no shirt...
Stop it.
And I dont really want to see your scenic vacation pics from the last 4 trips you took....What's THAT all about?! Especially the ones of you WITH NO SHIRT ON.

C'mon guys,,,just be,,,,
normal. A nice clear RECENT head shot or two and maybe one of you proving you have legs.

Unless of course your profile name is Legless in NH...

S'all good...


Friday, May 22, 2015

How the hell did I get here?!

Mose,,,he kills me. 
I can't lie..
This site is for ,,well, for me. To talk, to rant maybe, to put it all down.
Life is ridiculous as a 50-something girl. Yes, I said girl...I'm comfortable with that.
Sometimes I say woman.
Sometimes I say chica.
Sometimes I say goddess.
It all works.

 I have a busy and fun life. I live in a quintessential small New England town where I know lots of people and can take my dog into the shop to buy the paper.
I have grown sons that I adore and 2 grand daughters who are a delight.
I have a dog that, well, im embarrassingly attached to. For real.
And a cat who is attached to me like a tick when I am home.
I have amazing friends.
I have a job which, though draining at times, is satisfying and rewarding.
All of these things and more comes into play in my big messy life.

But..... I am not dating.
No man.
Which, in and of itself is not the end of the world.
But in the evenings, when its quiet and everyone else is busy, I get bored.
And Lonely ( OH NO!! The other "L" word!!)
So......I use dating web sites to try and connect.
It is frequently the subject of BIG hilarity among Team Swannygirl.

So I will be writing about that. I guess it's my coping mechanism.
But this blog is about other elements of the 50-something single girl's life as well..
 Such as?
 Oh gosh,,,,I dont know,,,,,
The occasional minefield of parenting adult children?
What passes for drama when living in a small New England village?
Dealing with your bio family when your family is dysfunctional?
How to stay sane as an In-home Human Service worker?

So climb on dear reader,,,,,Your job is to help me laugh. You in?

S'all good.