You Have Junk mail.....

I woke up to this email from a Match.com member:
"You are more beautiful than a parrot"
I don't know how to respond to that. 
I don't. 

I am writing this on a Sunday.
I am watching "You've Got Mail" and licking my Match.com wounds, all while catching up on work because, god forbid,  I am not PRODUCTIVE!
FFS.
By the way, I fall in love with Tom Hanks all over again every time I watch this movie.
I love the quote from Meg Ryan's character: 
"There isn't someone else, but there is the dream of someone else."

The movie will make me alternately wretched and hopeful.
I will end the day eating something I shouldn't, no doubt.

I've been on a few dates lately, some just on the phone.
The phone dates go something like this:
Me: Hello!  how are you?
And then they proceed to tell me, for 45 minutes or as long as I can stand it, all about THEM until I lie and say I have to let the dog out. 
Or slit my wrists.

Think I’m exaggerating? 
I’m not. 
I have lost count of how many men give me a dissertation on their wonderful selves during the ENTIRE phone call.
I have kept track of how many times they actually ask me about ME. 
Many times, they don't. 
I will try at least once or twice to interject something related to me or my life, to see if they pick up the thread. 
Nope. 
Sometimes I give it another try, a 2nd call, if it’s not totally bad. But if the 2nd one proves equally difficult for me getting a word in edgewise, then I know.
Bye bye.
Don't tell me they are nervous. 
They are not nervous. I can tell nervous.
They are self absorbed ego maniacs. 
No thank you.
A friend asked if I shouldn’t give them a chance face to face? Maybe I was too harsh?
As I've mentioned before, I have to feel leaving the house for a date is a better option than staying home with the dog.
I don't feel that very often.

I did meet a man for coffee not too long ago. 
He seemed very nice, pretty easy to talk to, a little nerdy, but I can do nerdy.
He showed up 32 minutes late, with his zipper down and driving a 2009 Honda.
He told me he was late because he didn't want to wake up his 15 year old son. 
It was 1:00 in the afternoon.
Nope.

And, I really got it wrong recently.
A couple of times.
Like my heart got involved and was awash with hope momentarily, which is all I try to let it do these days.
Dammit.


Dating gaff #1
 I don't actually blame myself for. After several fun phone conversations and lots of fun text messaging, we had a date planned. 
Dinner...yay!
So there is NO WAY I could have predicted the call from him, the night before our meet,  "disclosing" that he had had a girlfriend. That he met online.
And that she had gotten cancer.
And died.
3 WEEKS PREVIOUS TO THIS CONVERSATION!
That's right, his live-in girlfriend, the person he fell in love with after his divorce 3 years ago, had died just 3 weeks ago.

I was speechless.
Which is hard to do with me.
How do you RESPOND to this news??
I asked questions, such as " what are you thinking?!?" and told him that there was no way he was ready to date. 
He was calm and sure of himself, he was "in a good place" with all of it, etc.
But still....holy christ.
We did have dinner. I liked this guy and thought, well, maybe we would be friends. We could see how things evolved.
I will remind you  here that I don't often feel drawn to many people to the point where I actually WANT to meet them face to face.
It just so rarely happens, that I wanted to follow through.
And dinner WAS great, but...
The dead girlfriend loomed large, for me anyway. The evening had a surreal quality to it. 
And then came our after dinner convo.
He had issues with people who were less than "strong financially". He wanted someone to travel with him, to be able to lead a certain kind of lifestyle. 
I am not "strong financially".
I disclosed this to him. 
I used the term "working poor" which he was unfamiliar with. "What's that?"
It means I work my ass off and still don't have much money.
His response "well, I'm not a sugar daddy if that's what you're looking for" did not make my heart sing.
So....no.

Dating gaff #2

This one was harder.
I still feel sad and just...queasy about it.

Here's a little tip for you men:
If a woman really rocks your world, don't wait.
Don't hesitate, don't play games,
Don't try to play it cool. 
Let her KNOW.
Let her know as soon as possible and as often as you can, what you are thinking and feeling.
Do not assume she knows that shit, because, chances are, she doesn't. 
Anyway.....
We had connected months ago. We set a date to meet.
And he called me the day before to cancel because he "needed to go skiing".
I was a bit pissed but not upset. I didnt know him, we hadn't met. His loss I felt.
Fast forward several months. I see an old email of his when I am cleaning out my inbox. I check out his profile, and think nothing of it.
He saw that I looked at his profile.
He sends me an email.
After a little chitchat,  he does a GREAT job of expressing remorse. He said he was " being very selfish and self-centered as well as single minded." and wondered how things would have gone if we had met.
I felt like an actual date was a good idea.

We met. We had dinner.
It was fabulous. Like, seriously great. We talked, we laughed , we flirted.
I was smiling a LOT.
And then?
Nothing.
He just wasn't "there".
I finally broke down and texted him a few days later, he responded.
Polite but cool-ish. WTF?!
I am not good at the game playing aspect of dating.
I am direct.
I called him, to ask him directly: WTF?!
He confirmed that he had a great time on our date and had wanted to see me again, but that he felt I had "rejected him" at the end of our date.
I was SUPER confused at this point. In my view, we had a fun little
"car time" before saying goodbye. But to him, it wasn't enough. He was apparently pouting because I hadn't been ...hmmm..."friendlier".
At this point, Im pissed. I asked him " did you think we were actually going to have sex in your car in a public parking lot??!!"
He responds " give me 3 reasons why we shouldn't?"
Holy shit.
I'll give you one reason you a******, because I said "no."

I hung up.
But, I was STUNNED!
And completely thrown for a loop.
WHAT had just happened?!?!

So, here I am.
I felt sad and confused.
And like I can't even TALK to men for a while.

I know LOTS of amazing men.
I raised two pretty wonderful specimens.
I have male friends who love and support me.
But, I honestly don't GET the dating thing.
I give up.
At least for now. It is apparently some sort of alternate universe that I don't have the password for.

And now, it's winter. I hibernate in the winter, doing things that are cozy and ...singular.
Lots of reading, couch time, cooking in my future.
And regrouping from the self-esteem bashing that is called dating.

Look for me and the Mose out walking. He's still my greatest companion.

S'all good....
SG

Back at the rodeo...

Some people feel I am too negative about dating. That I should maybe just relax and "go with the flow" more ( obviously not someone who knows me well). 
But, here's the thing, after a fairly lovely 2016, the arrival of 2017 brought just so much bad juju. 

I dont want to whine, but what the hell, here goes...

I ended a tumultuous (being polite, it was a cluster f***) relationship a little over a year ago. There were so many things just..wrong with the situation, that it hurt to even think about it too much. I was perfectly happy to become hermit like and nurse myself back to some sort of place with more sanity, with the help of my team of course. 

I was happy to do that, but honestly it didn't really happen that way. Because, well, life. 

First it was a pay cut at work. A SIGNIFICANT pay cut. By a third. 
Think about that. 
Take the amount of money you bring home every month, divide it by 3, and then subtract that from your total take home. 
I hadn't been living a luxurious lifestyle anyway, but for the first time in my adult life I had been making enough to pay bills and have a small buffer. A very small buffer, but still. 
I was so grateful. 
That was now gone, and then some. 

I was trying to absorb and deal with this while the relationship was exploding so the financial stuff didn't really sink in for several months and by that time it was a crisis. I am what's considered a member of "the working poor". I work my butt off, usually at least 2 jobs, sometimes 3 when my kids were younger. So now i was back to scrambling for part time work along with the full time (draining) job just to pay my bills. Not for extra discretionary funds. 
By the way, sorry if this topic makes you squirm, but 78% of americans live paycheck to paycheck, in debt and tenuous. Its a fact of life for millions, I would bet for many of your friends and neighbors. Get your head out of the sand and don't be judgy. 

Then, my mother died. 
Which came with all sorts of conflicting feelings, since we had been estranged for a long time and had only just reconnected the previous year. 
I was so glad for the few visits I had with her and really sad that there wouldn't be more. But it was also one of those situations where her health and quality of life had not been great. 
My siblings and I are not on good terms so that added another delightful twist. 
I had amazing people supporting me through this uncharted territory but I still felt...raw. 
Just kind of sliced open. 
While still looking for some sort of part time work. 
While still feeling my heart was an open wound.  

So summer kind of flew by with me a frantic mess. 

And then I got in a car accident. 
Have you ever been in a car accident? 
It just ....sucks. 
I was hit head on. I was ok, at least I was upright and walking. Injuries did not show themselves for a couple of week and I am still, 3 months later, in significant pain some days from the whiplash that snuck up on me. 
Yes yes, I am in PT and I did all the other stuff I needed to do which is a LOT. 
I have never felt more frustrated or victimized than I did negotiating this mess of insurance, lawyers, medical appointments and car dealerships. 

So yeah, break-up, paycut, Mom death, and car accident. all in under 12 months. 
And of course add to it all the other normal LIFE things that come along. Job related, kid related, home related, etc. 
And yes, I fully acknowledge that I have MANY many things to be grateful for. 

But dating?
During this?
Um...no. 

Skip ahead to now-ish. 
A month or so ago i thought, ok, maybe its time to think about it. I don't  feel ready to hang up my spurs quite yet. But also don't really feel like I am on firm footing with the whole thing. 
Enter...online dating. 
Yes again. 
What IS IT with me and this venue??

I was having this exact discussion with a friend recently, about how even knowing how dismal it is, I still go back. She feels it's entertainment, which is true on a bunch of levels.
I mean, here are some quick examples of the headlines on profiles from a recent search and my internal response:

*I'm looking for my new best friend...
No. Just stop. 

*I am currently working on my PhD in computer science and puppetry. 
What?!?

*I am on a journey, no... a quest for a woman who will be my lover/friend/ confidant/trusted companion...my partner in life. 
Oh, hell no. 

And a recent fav:  *I lost my passion in life the day I saw the light fade from the eyes of my beloved wife as she slipped away into Eternity 3 1/2 years ago. It’s a good thing that I can type without looking at my keyboard, since it’s so hard to see the keys through the tears that I shed every time I think of her passing.
Holy christ! Hide the sharps!
This person needs therapy WAY more than I even do!!

So, Entertaining? Yes, but its more than just that I think.
It's this damned hopefulness,which in itself is not bad I dont think. Hope that there's someone that will "fit".
That wont have guns, or smoke cigarettes or vote republican. That wont mind that I am not interested in riding on their motorcycle. (I'm not, stop asking). 
That I find attractive and doesnt mind the last 10 pounds that I cant seem to shed. 
That "gets" my dog and the admittedly codependent relationship I have with him. 
That laughs at my jokes. 

I have TRIED recently. 
I went on dates. 
I had an anxiety attack, because I didn't want to be there but felt like I should try. He was a perfectly nice person, and I really enjoyed talking to him, but that was all. 
I ended up feeling guilty. 

So so helpful. 

And, the proverbial final straw was last night. After having a nice back and forth on email with a witty, educated professional man, I suddenly had a hunch.
 I dont even remember what it was he said, but I knew he voted for trump. 
I asked him directly and he responded honestly. 
Yes. 
Yes?!? 
Why the HELL is this person talking to me?!? My profile on line is dripping with my liberal-ness. I felt violated. 
I got a line or two from him about believing in open minds, blah blah blah. 
No
This conversation is over. 

I shut down my profile. I was disgusted. 

Am I ready to "date"? 
Who the hell knows?!
I know I am NOT dating just to get out of the house. 
In fact, in February in New England, being in my house seems like the best place to be. 

It's warm and cozy and there's always something yummy to eat. 
The dog loves me and the cat loves my lap. 
I talk to my friends and read and watch netflix. 

It is, I think, what I  need. 

The hopefulness is waning, not gonna lie. 
But what I do still feel hope about is that its fine. 
To not be beating my head against the dating room wall. 
To be content in my bubble, waiting for spring and warmth and new beginnings. 


S'all good. 
SG