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Sunday, September 13, 2015

Room mates and deal breakers

My room mates are jerks....

One overeats to the point of vomiting on a regular basis, (usually in my clothes or somewhere equally disgusting that I find at inopportune moments,) and is a ridiculous prima dona.
The other chews up my underwear if given half a chance (clean or dirty, doesnt matter),  begs for food constantly and frequently smells bad as he takes up half the bed.

I adore both of them.

My cat Tippy and my dog Mose are my room mates.
They are non-judgmental, always happy to see me and don't care where I move the furniture.
I am, unreservedly, in love with them both....
but especially the dog.
ESPECIALLY the dog..
He is guy.

So, when looking for someone to date, the dog is a factor for me.
Is that wrong?
I don't care.

I need to be able to see a potential boyfriend 2 ways for it to work for me:
1. Would he fit in with my friends AKA Team Swannygirl?
2. Would he be good with the Mose?
    By "good" I mean he GETS it...that I love the dog.
That the dog is a huge part of my life.
That I cant make plans without considering the dog.

When I get a note from a prospect online, one of the first things I check is his answer to this compatibility question on the dating website:
"Would you ever let a pet sleep on the bed?"
If his answer is a firm "NO", I dont really see any reason to continue, do you?

That, dear reader, is what's known as a "deal breaker" in the dating world.
I have other deal breakers that you have may have  read about here:
guns, wanting me to ride on your motorcycle, and smoking.
Being politically conservative isn't even a deal breaker,
it's a "why are you talking to me?"

Some may say I am too rigid.
But this is not my first time at this rodeo. I have been more "flex" in the past and after a certain point you just know the things you can compromise on and the things you cant. I'm at the point where value of a relationship has to be strong enough to cancel out the convenience and enjoyment of being alone.

That's right, I said it...ENJOYMENT of being alone. It's just,,easier sometimes.
Ok, a lot of times.

I've had this conversation with other women, and for the most part they all agree, especially the single ones that are 50 -ish. Of course women that are in long term relationships also recognize that compromise is the name of winning that game.
BIG compromise sometimes.
I know a couple who are polar opposites politically. They just never, NEVER talk about politics.
It seems to work for them.
 I know I could not do it.I have tried to figure out WHY you would even want to, but I came up with nothing...
One of them "evolved" during the course of the relationship? Maybe they were on the same page in the beginning?

We notice that some things are tolerable if you have been with the person for a longer period of time, and certain things "evolve". Maybe your guy didn't have that annoying habit 15 years ago but one morning you wake up and realize that the way he flosses his teeth while watching tv at the breakfast table is beyond annoying.
It would not necessarily be a deal breaker.
It snuck up on you.
You have put in some time with this person, you've both made an investment. You have both changed while "aging in place" together. You have BOTH acquired new habits and personal quirks. After spending years with a person you tend not to notice or just plain overlook. ( or so I'm told..sigh).
If you meet someone new with out of control ear hair ( do people not have mirrors??),  or terrible teeth, or the need to have Fox news on the telly 24/7, you may not feel like exploring that relationship further.
It's at this point that hanging out with the dog looks mighty fine.

Here's is one thing I hear ALL THE TIME from women my age-ish who are in long term relationships:
"If he died tomorrow, god forbid ( they always say "god forbid"...always) I would never live with a man again.
What's that all about?
To me it says these women are happy/content with their relationships but are recognizing that it's, well, perhaps not all it's cracked up to be. That life may possibly be simpler without a "room mate". Really successful couples I know seem to have in common the ability to live together but separate. They tend to each have their own lives and certainly don't expect the other person to meet all needs for them.
But it's more than that.
It's about SPACE.
We get to a certain age, especially if you have lived alone at ALL leading up to a relationship, and we don't want to compromise as much anymore. Once you've had a taste of that freedom, yes FREEDOM, to come and go as you please, to leave your shoes wherever you want, to eat cereal for dinner 3 nights in a row without comment from someone, or to have the dog on the bed,,.it's hard to go back.  We like having our things "just so".
Having another person in our hard won space feels overwhelming.

I had a conversation about this recently with a friend, who is beautiful and also single. She said that, although she's open to meeting someone, she feels she has her "force shield" up against men...not really sure if she wants anyone too near.
I know what she's talking about.
I am lonely ..a lot.
But I also kind of like being alone.... a lot.
When I consider letting someone in, I clench up.
I don't think this is unique to 50-something women either. I know at least one of my male friends who struggles with this. He loves his girlfriend but doesn't necessarily want to share space with her full time.
It may be an introvert/extrovert issue...I tend to refuel with time alone. I love my "team" but find it exhausting to spend too much time in the company of others.
Or it really may just be that as we age, and have the opportunity to nurture our personal space, it becomes harder to give it up for another.

Here's what I've come up with recently, by way of a partial explanation (and  thank the holy cheezits for therapy and friends).
I don't want to be with people that I cant be myself with.
Seems obvious, right?
But it's so hard!! And if you have been in one ( or more) relationships where you COULDNT be yourself, you tend to be a bit gun-shy.

Another idea that recently came to light for me:
Relationships don't necessarily have to look like other people's relationships,
 or even what other people's IDEA of what relationships should look like.
Why do I have to WANT to live with someone in order to want a relationship?
Why do 2 people who are in a relationship need to live together?

My amazing friend, lets call her Anne,  is living this out real time. She has a lovely man in her life, they love and appreciate each other and are committed to the relationship. Through a series of life events they found themselves at THE crossroads, you know, the one where you have to make a DECISION. He needed to move out of his place. Was it "time" to cohabitate? Didn't that make sense?
But...they found themselves asking if that is what they really wanted. They had a perfectly lovely relationship and spent just the right amount of time together. There was not a burning desire to spend ALL their time together.  So they didn't. Instead, they built a picture that worked for them, a new model that takes who they are into consideration.
Anne stayed in her lovely apartment where she is happy and her partner, who was ready to buy, did just that. They are both happy and relieved with the arrangement.
This gives me hope.

So....I think a lot about community.
And "place"...where do I fit in and how do I get there? And who do I want there with me (other than the dog)?
Where can I most be myself?

While I work on these and other burning issues, you'll see me around town walking the Mose, who can not WAIT to get home and lie on my bed with his wet self.

S'all good.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Family ick


I live 7-ish hours away from where I grew up.
My immediate family is still there...all within a 10 mile radius of my Grandparents farm, which is now owned by an Amish family. We suffered the plight of the small farmer like so many others, and sold out to a corporation many years ago but recently the Amish have been scooping up property, which I say... HOORAY about!
I digress...

Recently, I learned that my Mother, who lives in a nursing facility, was moved to a different facility in my hometown. 
This is how I learned of it:
My best friend from childhood texted it to me after hearing it from her husband who heard it from the guy who owns the gas station who is a friend of my brother.

Didja get that?

 My sister is my Mother's medical proxy but wouldn't think to tell me this info herself.
We'll get to that later...

When my uncle had a stroke a few months ago he got help because the girl from the bank had called and didn't like how he sounded on the phone, so she called my cousin ( who she had gone to high school with) and he called his Dad ( Uncles brother) and they both went over there to find he had had a stroke.
I heard about it (7 hours away) from my cousin within 2 hours, texted my sister (who is local to them) who was irritated that she hadn't heard sooner, and tried to tell my brother, but he already knew from someone at the corner store. And he had already been to the hospital to check on him. My sister's nose was out of joint, she hates being last to know.

Want another?

A couple years ago my cousin Facebook messaged me that he had heard an ambulance call on the police scanner go to my Fathers house but he didn't know what for. He made a couple calls (his boys work in law enforcement) and found out my Uncle (same one..) had fallen down some stairs and broken some ribs.  I texted my sister and she called my brother who already knew from our father. They went to the hospital before my uncle had been seen. Yes, my sister was again irritated that I found out before her.

Ok, one more...
My Childhood friend told me that she had heard my father was in the hospital but wasn't sure with what. I called my brother who told me Dad had had some issue (aortic aneurysm ) that was fairly serious but that he was having surgery and would be OK. My sister, however, had not been told and found out about it at a funeral visiting hours that night and nearly had a heart attack herself because no one had told her, literally ripping into my brother when he arrived to pay his respects to the un-related dead person.
She called me to tell me and was PO'd all over again when she realized even I had known before her and I live in a different state.

So , you may be asking "what's with all the fun alternative communication methods?"
No, it's not a party game or a creative way to connect with family.
It is, in fact , a way to NOT connect with family.

My family is a hot mess...
We dont talk.

Well, some of us do,,,,,sometimes.
But really?
Not consistently.
And some ?

When I say "family" I mean  my immediate fam: Mother, father, sister, brother.
My parents have been divorced for over 35 years,,,So there's a Step-mother in there as well.
I have cousins that I am VERY close to and I have people in the community where I live that I consider family.
But my family of origin unit..?
Not so much.

It's probably my fault, I'm willing to own it.
I'm willing to own that my tolerance level for ,,,toxic ka-phlooey  (I usually call it something much ruder) is at an all time low with these people.
I cant deal with them.

Here's a rough sketch of the terrain:
For me, it kind of started with my mother. She is mentally ill. She was abusive to me ( and my siblings, but I will only speak for me) our whole growing up years.
 It sucked,,,,but I maintained a relationship with her.
Until I just ....couldn't.
I hit a wall when I was around 21-ish. My parents were divorcing ( FINALLY..christ all-mighty), and I was running interference between them.(Middle child bull-shit)
 Mom's level of crazy escalated and my level of tolerance plummeted.
After one particularly painful episode of blatant lying I said "enough".
 I wrote her a letter...I said "I'm done" and that was that.
It was a healthy decision for me.
 I never doubted it or regretted it.

Then things got messy with the rest of the group. Suffice it to say that at one point or another  all of us have had it out and/or stopped talking to everyone else.
Either as individuals or as the group.
My father and step mother were mad at my brother. They wouldn't talk to him.
Then they were mad at me. They wouldn't talk to me.
Then they WEREN'T mad at my brother and I, but boy-oh-boy, were they ever mad at my sister.
My father and sister stopped talking to each other.
My sister wanted to rant about my father to me and my father wanted to rant about my sister.
I politely declined.
They both got mad.
My brother pretends he is Switzerland but he's not. He talks to my father. He lectures me (in the rare conversation I may have with him) about being nice to my father, about how I should continue to reach out even though I have had ZERO response for years, and who has not spoken to me IN OVER 5 YEARS.
So, anyhoo.... it's friggin exhausting..

It may be worth pointing out that I am the only screaming liberal in the group.

Telling other people that I dont have relationships with my family, seeing their reactions, has made me realize that perhaps not all families have this level of crazy bullshit happening.
That they don't get a sick feeling in their stomach at the thought of seeing immediate family.
That they don't go into hyper-vigilant mode if they are in the same zip code as family. (When I am "home" I am constantly looking over my shoulder like some crazy paranoid escapee).
That they are able to have a respectful disagreement with a family member without it turning into a side show at the carnival.
You know, like ADULTS.

But it has also made me realize that many have just as much crazy bullshit, if not more.
And those are the people that I form an immediate kinship with.

When is it OK to let go of people in your life that feel "unhealthy" to hang onto, even if those people happen to be related to you?
When is it OK to set boundaries with your family that may include not communicating with them?
If you google "family estrangement" you will find a LOT of articles and stories...clearly this is not an issue only in my small universe.
But to pretend it's a comfortable situation is not possible either.

I usually just don't tell people anymore, I say something vague like "We're not close"...Or "We are very different."

This last trip to my home town, I reconnected with my mother after a 30+ year estrangement.
I know, I KNOW,,,,it sounds big.
But.... it just felt like time, I finally felt like I could do it, so I did.
I didn't need or want a lot of fanfare, it was a short but very satisfying visit for both of us. As her Social Worker said, it seemed to be a "healing event" on both parts.

My sister wanted, and tried hard, to turn it into a drama. I don't know her reasons, I frankly don't care. I am just grateful that I was able to not engage with her about this as I did what felt right. I was able to NOT engage because of the amazing support that I had from my tribe, the people who love me and care for me and have my back, as I have theirs.

Maybe someday my siblings and I will reconnect.
Who knows, stranger things have happened.
None of us are getting any younger, that's for damn sure.

In the meantime, I'll wait for word of them from my brother's wife's friend who's married to a cousin of a guy I went to high school with.

S'all good

Saturday, July 18, 2015

The Friend Zone...

Mose says " Dont forget to enjoy the view"

It's just about connecting. Not romance. 
I'm pretty sure that was not the intention of the online sites (although, to be fair, "friendship" is one of the status options) but it happens. 
Well, it happens for ME. 

I believe, contrary to the belief of many, that heterosexual men and women can be friends.
It takes transparency and honesty from both parties. 

Transparency to any  significant others involved  (if its really a friendship then you should have no problem talking about it) , and honesty that you are being true to your feelings (are you REALLY only interested in being friends?). 

I see lots of funny, bright, well thought out profiles online. People obviously putting some thought and effort into the process. These are the ones that I may send a note to, even if they are too far away, to just say "hey, nice job! You made me laugh, points were scored, have a nice day." These are the men I could see having a "friend connection" with. 

But those profiles are rare. Many profiles read like a resume, or merely a list of ACTIVITIES.

People who like to:
Ride mountain bike
Cross country ski
Downhill ski
Hang glide
Trail run
Ride motocross
Bungie jump
Ball room dance ( really?!?)
Kayak/canoe/paddle board
Did I miss anything? 
Oh wait, yes, wine and beer tours........

The really interesting thing? I have seen MANY of these on the same profile....
My reaction? These people are nuts. 
Or really really busy. 
They are NOT going to be happy with me. 
Not that I'm a slug,,,but I just, you know, like to be home ,,,,occasionally. I'm a great.."putterer". I hang around the house. I hang out in town, drinking coffee, chatting with friends, reading, RELAXING. 
When I see a laundry list of ACTIVITIES like this I think " Does this man even WORK?"

I have been approached by these men and, after reading their interests /hobbies list I usually say something like " Buddy, You will not be happy hanging out with me". 
And, many times they respond with " but wouldn't you like to LEARN skiing /cycling/ bowling/shooting/golf / blah blah blah...

I would not. 
Full disclosure: I DO kayak, just not for hours or days or on white water. 
And I DO  hike, just not on trails that require special training and rations and safety equipment. 
And I prefer it if I can bring my dog. Please. 
And I'll GO fishing ...if I can bring a book and a chair to park my butt in. Go fish your little heart out pal, I'll be here with the cooler and my book. 

So, reading through the profiles with a discerning eye for one that perhaps shows a person worth exploring is ...let's say, challenging. And I try to remember that not everyone is comfortable writing, Or talking about themselves. Or speaking in full sentences apparently.

How do you know when one is worth a little more effort on YOUR part? How to find that diamond in the rough, or even find that potential friend connection?

I get a note from this guy:
"Hi. Let's connect. Ron"
My first impulse is to delete and move on. I mean seriously? 
 I take a quick look at his profile and he's...cute. But the profile is, let's say, sparse. 
There's just really not much there. 
At this point dear reader, depending on the day  and my level of loneliness or boredom, is when I may start to fabricate. It's a tempting part of the online experience. 
"Maybe his profile is new and he hasn't had time to fill it in"
"Maybe he's super busy at his high-powered job and just wants to see if anyone is interested"
Whatever the reason, I don't hit delete.
 I respond:
"Hi Ron 
thanks for the note. I would need to know a lot more about you before we "connect". Your profile is pretty sparse. Hope you have a good day!

That response, for me, is pretty ..polite. 
For me. 
And I assumed that he, like so many others, would abort the mission when realizing that he had a live, thinking female on the other end. 
But he didn't.
 He stepped up and sent a thoughtful, informative and witty response. 
Let the conversation begin. 
And it DID! 
We chatted online. Then exchanged phone numbers. And, ohmygod, did we ever TALK!
For hours, about all kinds of things. 
I give good's my "thing"...
But, even for me, this was good. He and I connected all right. 
Both having fun, both sharing and interested. 
We made a plan to meet.
Big anticipation. 
Nope. It just wasn't there face to face. For either of us I think, but definitely for me. 
yes, yes, yes,,,I can hear you all screaming "It was only one date, give it a chance!"
But you know what? I've been doing this awhile. And I HAVE given others longer, because I felt I "should" ( I hate that word,,should)...and that just doesn't work. 
Not only does it not work, 
it makes me hella cranky. 
I would rather be home with the dog...

The problem was with this guy, is we that liked each other in lots of other ways. I didn't want to lose someone completely that I felt a connection with.
we are friends. We check in with each other and still have long phone conversations, although not as much since he met a lovely woman who he DID feel something for face to face. He has told her about this friendship ( transparency) and maybe she and I will even meet one day and become friends too. 

So, unique and isolated incident?

As of today, I have at least 4 (not counting Swannydude, who is my cosmic twin and family) 
male friends. Buddies. Bros as one of them calls me. 

There's Ron, who is a therapist, a really GOOD one I would say judging from our hours long chats, who is so much fun to laugh with. And get real with. We both are good at exploring the dark side of who we are and accepting it about ourselves and each other. 

There's the Santa guy ( don't ask) who I met years ago online, we dated for a month and then realized that wasn't going to work. But he's fun, and funny and kind so we stay in touch. Some periods we talk every day and others we go for weeks. But I know he's there. 

There's my sweet friend who lives right in town, he is not an online connection. I love both he and his wife, but he and I are chums and I cherish that friendship. He checks in with me to make sure I'm "ok"'s so comforting. 

And then there's "B"...who I adore. He's an artist, and dark and a bit broody. He and I click on many many levels, but I knew right away that being in a relationship with him was not something that would, let's say, enhance my life. I think we would end up hating each other and I love him too much to want that to happen. We connect almost every day and it feels like a gift. He is not afraid to tease me and I am not afraid to give him a kick in the pants when needed. He is my truest supporter. I can tell him my deepest darkest and he can tell me his. 
B is in a relationship with a wonderful woman who he actually met around the same time as me, and who is perfect for him in many ways. Except she is threatened a bit by our friendship, which is definitely the fly in the ointment. I hope we meet, so she can love me too. I'll bring cookies. 
In the meantime all I can do is be honest about my feelings and enjoy the friendship we have. 

So while I keep checking and exploring and hanging out with the dog, I'll soak up the treasure that friendship brings. 
S'all good. 


Sunday, June 21, 2015


Some wee castle in Ireland....

From Lookin4luv:

"I AM LOOKING FOR LOVE, WILL SOMEONE FIND ME!!!.WHY IS LOVE SO HARD TO FIND??. WHERE are ALL the good women?? There are days I wonder, WHY can't I find someone??..Who would of thought at 50+ years old I would be looking to start a new relationship?...I am looking for someone to love and share life. Not looking for someone who when things get difficult runs away. I am not the typical man, enjoy spending a quite night at home with my mate. Seeking encouragement from a great woman!! I am not very handsome, so if you are into looks, move on. I have beauty in my heart. I am looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with!!!"

Mother of god, calm DOWN!!!


How DO people connect?
What does it mean to connect?
How do people, singles, FIND each other in the thousand upon thousands of choices.
Chance Encounter?

I met a man online and went to Ireland to meet him.

I said it.

It wasn't quite that simple...

or quick.
But that is the gist of it.

Here's the thing...

I  like connecting...
or really, communicating.
I NEED to communicate. 
Part of my online profile:

I am a communicator....!!
It's what jazzes me up and revs my engine. Talk to me....
About my day,
About your day,
about big and small ideas,
about how ridiculous life is because it sure as hell can be!
If you dont like to talk on the phone,,,or text,,,or chat....You may not enjoy me... :-)   

I got a note from a guy recently,  who seemed interested in connecting. I checked him out. Nice looking, seemed like an adult, I said "Sure, how do you feel about calling?"

I get this back:

Ahhhhhh terrible esp if I don't know the other person.

It may be better if we do the 20 question routine.

Let me know your thoughts. Thank you, R


But how were you wanting to CONNECT?!?

When I first started playing online, I would just chat via text. Then I progressed to the phone, if the man I was talking to seemed safe. 

I will say, it has back fired a couple times, and here is why:
I am good on the phone. I am comfortable and chatty, I put people at ease and foster a sense of, shall we say, intimacy. No, not phone sex....
Of ideas, and feelings, and life. 
Its great, except, 
It's not real. 
It creates a heightened sense of artificial closeness. And when you finally meet that person, frequently the flesh and blood version is a bit.....lacking perhaps? 

Like the guy with BO so bad I could smell him from 4 feet away. 

But great on the phone. 
Or the guy who's pics were clearly not only NOT recent, they were not from this DECADE. 
(Think Colonal Sanders crossed with Gollum...not good) 
But great on the phone. 
Or the guy with terrible teeth, I mean terrible, who taught me to always check profile pics for shots of them smiling. 
Totally great on the phone.  

 I guess this all  sounds a bit shallow. But connecting is such a fragile science. 

If I were to meet any one of these people BEFORE chatting, we wouldn't BE chatting. 
Is that bad? 
Or is it just that I have learned what I can compromise on and what I cant?
Shouldn't we all be paying attention to that?

I am also 100% sure that it is not just one sided on my part, although no one has come right out and said it (But you sounded so much ....thinner)

Or some men loose sight of the fact that talking on the phone, regardless of the level of discussion, does NOT constitute a commitment on my part to spending the bulk of my spare time for the foreseeable future with them. 
This "communicating" stuff is part of the PROCESS...
One guy and I connected well but I realized that it just wasn't going to go further since he lived 2+ hours away and had sole custody of a 9yo boy. (yes, I am serious, I am not interested) This man was NOT going down without a fight ,,,,he campaigned for a couple weeks  ("my son and I want you in our lives!") trying to convince me that it "was worth it"  and I did finally have to block him.
 But those times are rare. 

Back to Ireland. 

This man, we'll call him Jack, and I connected. We messaged quite a bit online, then moved to email. Soon we had exchanged phone numbers, although international calling was not handy. We even got to where we were having Skype "dates". I was aware that it was kind of , well, crazy, 
but it was so fun! 
And we could CONNECT. 
Jack got the whole talking thing. 
He told me about him, he asked about me, he sent me thoughtful bits through out the week that let me know he was thinking of me.
It was really exactly what feeds me. 

And one day, I just knew, I wanted to go meet him.

 "What the hell" I thought "I can go to Ireland!"
So I did. 
It was great. 
Jack was an attentive and gracious host. ( His terrier of a Scottish woman  room mate was another matter) and we traveled all over Northern and western Ireland. 
I had a great vacation. 
But, although it was a bit of a fling, we both suspected that it was not THE romance that we both hoped for.  
For one thing, we moved at a very different pace of life. The whole time I was there I was itching to move...DO something. Typical American I guess but it was not to be ignored. Jack was more, let's say, sedate. 
And I stood out a few other times as ...AMERICAN. 
"What do you mean there's no hot water?!?"
" That is NOT a large ice water. Try using your biggest BEER glass" ( what IS it about ice water there? Completely baffling) 


Then there was the dinner incident. 

We had traveled all day, and Jack suggested a burger place he knew about in the town that was "simple".. I said fine. 
We walked in and,,,,I turned into the biggest American princess EVER. 
It was filthy. It was 2 steps BELOW  McDonalds. There was no pretense of actual food on the menu. 
 I looked at him, waiting for him to come to the same conclusion I had , that there was no way we could eat there. 
He was happily perusing the menu. 
I didnt speak up ( a bloody miracle) and ordered food that i thought maybe i could manage. 
I couldnt. 
He ate mine and his. 
We went back to bed& breakfast with his 4 evening tall boys of Stella Artois. ( Another red flag for me...EVERY night, 4 tall cans of cheap beer GUZZLED down....)

I didnt want this to MATTER. We connected so well, we really seemed to communicate. Except, for me, the spell was broken. How could someone who "knew" me think it would be ok to take me to that place for dinner ( OK, I get that I can be a princess, but whatever). And then just chomp down my dinner as well as his without thinking something may be ..wrong?

The rest of the trip was fine, in many many ways. I loved Ireland. When I left he expressed wanting to come visit me in New England. I just needed to get home, so we didnt talk much about it. 

You know what?
He did come. 
And any lingering doubts about our connection being stronger than my concerns were quickly put to rest, best summed up by saying that he drank too much and showered too little. 
He told a friend on Facebook (Note: do not leave your Facebook page open around me) that I was "difficult" in my home environment. 
He laid on my couch, eating, drinking and reading for the whole time he was here. 
He left early. 
No, I did not kick him out. 
Yes, I asked him to stop drinking in my house. 

It was a learning experience. 

What did I learn?

That, while I like communicating,  and I am drawn to it and easily seduced by it, 
it is not the whole enchilada. 
Connecting is fragile and complex. 
It is seeing the other persons face while you talk. 
It is processing body language and demeanor.
 It's their eyes and smell and smile. 
Is that shallow?
 I dont think it is. 
I believe its the chemistry, the magic, of falling in love. 
Isnt it?

I cant wait to do it again......

S'all good....


Sunday, June 14, 2015

Embracing the fringe.....

We all have those times where you get the distinct feeling you are not, shall we say, fitting in. For me this category of life experience stretches far and wide...starting as the only  raging liberal at gatherings with my immediate family.

I was the young mother on the beach at the local lake reading Cosmo instead of Country Living or Self.

I was the Not-so Soccer Mom, dressed in black and wishing the team would maybe NOT make it to the play-offs.

I was the co-worker who refused to participate in the "secret Santa" hooha because it stressed me out.
And...I didnt like people.

But I was also the Mom that let her kid wear a cape and yellow rain boots to pre-school almost everyday because that was HIS thing. ( One of the other Moms once said " Why is he wearing a cape?"
My response? "Why aren't WE?"...

We were the family with a swing in the living room because,,,well, because we could.


I know, dear reader, that you think my life is all online dating hi-jinks. One exciting (pathetic) encounter after another with a  steady stream of diverse (weird) and interesting (scary) men.
Swannygirl has a life.
I am a grandmother. More specifically, Meema.

And the Meema part of my life recently brought me to the world of "Dance Recital".
Oy Vey..
Talk about not fitting in.

Grand daughter #1, Lovebug, has been taking dance lessons all winter. She turned 3 in March. It was something for her and I to do together and it was mostly fun. Class once a week with other kids her age. It was low key and fairly non-structured, the kids had fun following the lead of their VERY energetic teacher. The Moms, occasional Dad, and a couple G-moms hung out and watched, but mostly gossiped and gabbed.

I had noticed from the get-go that Lovebug and I tended to have a much more ...let's say "relaxed" attitude towards the whole venture. I feel like 3-year olds should not be put into high stress situations as a general rule of thumb. But I couldn't help but notice the difference in, shall we say, GROOMING that was happening with many of the other little girls. Hair done perfectly, Tights and shoes to regulation. Whole outfits of frills and ribbons. And all of this by 9am!
Lovebug and I were usually 2 minutes late and I would be chasing her around to get her dance shoes on, hoping that they were a matched pair. She loved to talk to everyone and in the class, would run around  "free form" quite frequently.

I thought she was brilliant.

It was a win in my book. She was having fun, we met a bunch of nice kids and their parents, and she and I usually went out for breakfast afterwards. Yay!

But then talk of the RECITAL started. My stomach clenched, but not wanting to project onto Lovebug, I kept it to myself and, well, kind of ignored the whole thing.

Let's just say, that ignoring it didnt make it go away ( WHY does that never work?!) and fast forward to a couple Saturdays ago.

I had frankly considered sitting out the recital. The costume (pink/purple/glitter nightmare) was expensive and then we had to buy tickets as well. I also had a sneaking suspicion that Lovebug would not be thrilled with the whole activity when it came down to it.
We had a conversation that went something like this:
SG - So we have your recital coming up for dance class.
LB - What's that?
SG - It where you get to do your dance on stage with your friends and all the mommies, daddies and grandparents get to watch you!
LB- (with lip curled perfectly) I am not doing that.
All righty then.
I said something non-committal like " we'll see what happens".

The weekend arrives. LB spent the night before at my house.
We had a wonderful morning.
We went for a walk with the dog, caught a toad, watched dragonflies, practiced tricycle riding and hung from the jungle gym at the playground. Lunch with "our Jane" of french fries and pickles and then it was time for nap.

All the while the costume hanging in her room at my house....with an air of foreboding.
OK, that part may have just been ME.

LB woke up from nap a little bit, shall we say, out of sorts. Have you tried dressing an unwilling tearful 3-year old in tights and tutu? I was sweating and rumpled to say the least.
she RALLIES, because she's so awesome!
We sing in the car on the way to the auditorium. We talk about who will be there and about her friends dancing.
We walk into that place smiling and happy and ready to DO IT.
And .....boom.
That feeling. No LB , we are not in Kansas anymore.

These women and girls are...polished. Hair, make-up, nails, outfits. As I watched one mother carrying her darling's costume in a plastic cover gently across her arms so not to muss it, I was remembering that LB had gotten some pee on hers earlier and I had forgotten to sponge it off....oh well.

Three different mothers offered me make-up for LB while we were backstage waiting. By this time I've adopted a slightly "mother lion" air and just want to get through this with the fewest casualties possible. LB had her whole G'rent posse out there waiting plus Mom and Dad.
Then, one of the other mothers was talking to me and, with a look of REVULSION told me I had a tick crawling on my shirt. I thought she might actually faint, especially when i picked it off with my fingers.
Welcome to my life dear...
That tick was the least horrifying thing that happened that day as far as I was concerned.

We got closer to Showtime. LB's little band of dancers were going on third. But when the first group lined up to go on stage, all hell broke loose. All but one of the group started crying, LB included. Most were passive but LB had a "get me the fuck outta here" air about her...
I talked to her. One of the Dance School aides was bribing her with candy.
I was friggin torn.
This isn't a wimpy kid, She is game for a lot. But she was giving a very clear "NO, Meema" message.
And I didn't listen.
I waited until she was distracted by a video on someones phone and I went to my seat. Except I didn't sit down. I waited to the side of the stage, with a couple other anxious parents, in the back of my mind thinking "if its really bad I'll scoop her up".
The group came out..and?
She was SOBBING. Actually Boo Hoo'ing. Wiping her tears with the foot of her prop teddy bear.
Behind me, I hear my son swear.
And say something about going up there and getting her.
He is my son.
But I said "give her a minute" ,,,,
God dammit,,,it was terrible. She never stopped crying. The stupid song was blessedly short. Every one of those kids was crying except for one who was a total rock star..
I flew back to the stage hallway before she came off the stage and she flew into my arms, still crying.
All done LB, all done with dancing.
"OK Meema!"

I told her she had done a great job, she was brave and wonderful and strong.
All the time myself.

Why, WHY, do we not listen to ourselves?
When do we stop?
What are we teaching our kids when we are not true to that voice inside?

I  believe in pushing ourselves, in the challenge of new things, in trying things on for size.
 But it should be our CHOICE ,,,to say no.
NO, this one is not for me.
NO, I thought I wanted to, but I don't.
NO, I might later but not right now.
NO,  I need more time to think.
No, no, no........

Lovebug was fine, of course.  She sat in the audience with the rest of us, watching the other kids, joyfully playing in the arms of the G'rent posse, being silly with her baby sister and gleefully testing her parents.
She is a mighty girl for sure.

But I will not skip this lesson again with her, or with myself.
 Listen to yourself baby girl.
 Listen to your heart and listen to your gut.
You are the expert on You.

S'all good.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Only the lonely.

The gorgeous and talented Tippy Cat. 

From "Big Bill" in Obscurity, Maine...

       "I got the diabetes.
         It took my toe.

         I still get around.....                                                                                          mostly. "


We are all so...vulnerable.

I rarely send messages out on the site. It takes a really GOOD profile to get me to comment on it or "approach" someone. So I appreciate it when a guy reaches out to me.
I appreciate it and yet, I am still a princess about who I let in.
I struggle with  the idea that I am too picky, too quick to discount someone based on their pics ( I cant possibly date someone who would wear THAT shirt) or a clunky profile description (spell check pal,,try it). 
I am ready to own that I could be more, shall we say, open. 
Guys, think about what you're projecting fer crissakes!
A steady stream of just,,ridiculous messages come in. 

"i am just looking to have a good time with a lady whatever interests we can afford at the time, not really looking for full time partner. something easy first a movie or coffee, dinner, drive sight seeing, concert play or just use me to go somewhere you don't want to go alone i am very easy. anything is bettor than what i am doing now."

Christ almighty, hide the sharps....

A favorite (?) not long ago was this gem, One sentence, 2 words:
"Engage me"
Maybe I was having a bad day, I dunno. But I got pissed. 
Engage you?!? 
Engage ME muthafucka!! You narcissistic neanderthal!! 
No,,, I didn't  send it. 
Delete, move on...

One note from "Planetary man" was so fascinating I almost suggested meeting just so I could see what he was like in person, because I was strongly suspecting either Aspergers or just a terrible sense of humor. And no, I am not dissing Aspergers  so calm down. You just don't encounter this kind of thing on dating websites very often:
( a little background info...when someone looks at your profile you get a notification. I usually look at theirs when that happens, to see what they are like. This guy looked at mine so I checked his out. And yes, I am hearing how rude that sounds. 

Thank you for viewing my profile. Your image captured my attention as well, but I suppose that the computer has alerted you to that. You have a nice smile and make good eye contact.
There are a number of points in your profile that suggest a mutuality and at the risk of sounding too clinical and scientific, this may warrant further investigation. 
Now that I have placed myself in a somewhat vulnerable position, I will confess that I am not sure how to proceed. I am hoping that if you have a vague curiosity then you may choose to respond.
I have tried to infer some meaning from your profile name. At a loss, I checked with Mr. Google and found several very different definitions and a few that were not at all complementary. So, you are a woman of intrigue.
I hope that you have a pleasant balance of the day.

Take Care,

I confess, I was intrigued by the sheer WEIRDNESS of it. 
I responded:
Thank you for your very interesting note. I would say, now that you've put yourself out there that proceeding would depend on my response. Unfortunately I don't see us as compatible for a call or meet but am happy to chat on here if that interests you. 
If not, good luck to you and try to enjoy the process. 
SG name is simply a morphed version of my actual last name. I am however, definitely a woman of intrigue. 
Have a delightful evenin

After that? Nada. Which is what so often happens. 

Yesterday someone called "seekingAsianlady" sent me a wink. That's just...confusing. And disturbing. 

And the steady stream of "Hi"..

From men 10 years younger or living half way across the country or in another country entirely. Just "hi". I dont even know how to acknowledge them. If you are so cramped up with shyness that you can only manage a "Hi" then perhaps this is not the forum for you? And why are you looking at my profile anyway if you are in Alaska?!?

Sometimes a message looks ok at first glance and then,,,its not. 
 I got a fairly innocuous note a couple weeks ago:
"Hi, how's your day going ? I like your smile and profile."
Ok, not terrible although I would bet money he hadn't actually read my profile from his very general comments. But then I noticed his name.."WillUloveme776". 
And then I noticed his profile pic, which was him in what looked like a pair of too small boxer briefs standing outside on a deck somewhere. He was flexing. 
My day was fine until I saw that,,,and can now not UN-see it.
No, just no. 

I really do try to have a "we're all in this together" attitude with the online stuff. I assume everyone is just doing their best, even if it is hopelessly lame. I have a friend that approached it like a job..She said she just did the "head down, forge ahead" thing, filtering through the crap and going on as many dates as she could stand, many of which were tortuous.The good news is that she did meet a great guy and they are still together. 
I don't find I have the stomach for that. 
When I show up to meet someone, there is always the expected first awkwardness. But then, you know, it should pass and we should be comfortable. If I am cringing when he speaks, probably not a good sign. If his glasses are so dirty that I cant concentrate on what he is saying, also not a good thing (Yes, this happened. Yes I said something. No, I am not proud of it....although not consumed with guilt either)
Other first impression deal breakers ( for me):
Reeking of cigarette smoke
Nose hair...( I cant even have a conversation about this completely tweaks me out)
His car has parts wired together ( Fine, I'm a bit of a snob)
He tries to kiss me within 30 seconds of meeting.
He tries to hold my hand at any point during the first date. Stop it. 

My most recent "meeting" looked promising. We met to go for a walk after chatting on the phone for a week or so. I didn't have a strong pull to him but felt it would be a pleasant time.  At first  it was kind of "meh" but then? 
It turned terrible. 
In the  first 15 minutes he launched into a story of how he had trouble with pests under his shed at home. He said " I had to trap them to get rid of them, 13 all together. Possums, woodchucks and a cat" I assumed, because of our previous conversations that he had used Have-a-heart traps, Because that is what kind, liberal people do. 
He didn't. 
 After noting the look on my face, he got defensive " I gave them a choice! I put out both the humane trap and the steel jawed traps. They all chose the steele traps."
And then? 
He was talking about his Swing dancing lessons....
Blink, blink. blink.....
I was horrified. 
I couldn't respond. 
I also couldn't end that goddam walk soon enough. 

Just for the record, I have had great first dates. I have met wonderful men online and am friends with several of them still. In fact I seem to have a knack for making "friends" online ( one said I "give good phone"), but at this point I'm stacking up male friends like cord wood, enough already!

So, I guess for me its "head down and forge ahead".... Maybe I'll plow into someone soon. 

S'all good

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Life is short and the dog is good company...

Here's the thing...
I am pretty happy most of the time, just being home.
With the dog.
You know, puttering around, reading, watching tv, going for walks, playing on the computer, baking or cooking.
I am content.
But I do want,,,something. ( no not THAT...necessarily,  get yer head outta the gutter).
I miss the companionship of communicating with my "person." at the end of the day.
Or throughout the day.
 I am a communicator,,,It jazzes me up and revs my engine. Text, talk, email,,,whatever...

So I am making the EFFORT to connect....except, maybe not much of an effort.
It's just that it takes a LOT to entice me to go out on an actual date.
Because men are,,,ya know, hard to understand ( my finely honed diplomacy skills at work here)
 Or maybe I just cant find one that makes me even want to TRY to understand him.....I'm sure it's me,,,right? know what?
These MEN...
They dont even READ my damn dating profile!!

Darling reader,,,you know me pretty well by now. You know that I am fairly, lets say, direct. Ok,,,,,blunt.
I used to say to Ex #3, "at least YOU dont have to guess what I'M thinking".

So you can safely ASSUME that my online profile is FULL of useful bits of information about me.
Here's a bit:

I'm honestly not sure what Im looking for on here anyway........
someone to chat with? 
New friend to have dinner with?
Surprise me!

Do I want to find a nice guy to have MORE with?
OF COURSE I DO!! Good god, who doesnt??!

But I am willing to be open and take things slow.I feel like it will happen when its supposed to.

Pretty straight forward,,yes? Low key, not too...intense.
And yet men feel compelled to connect with me by saying they feel a "love connection" FROM MY PROFILE and need to see me immediately. And actually have planned out our weekends for the foreseeable future.
And they call me sweetheart/sexy/darling...
Thank god for the "block" function on these sites.....

Another bit of my profile:
Do you have guns? We are probably not a match.
Do you have a motorcycle? Prob not a match, but possible.
Do you want me to RIDE your motorcycle?? Not a match. yes, really.
And I really just cant be around cigarette smoke..

I'm not sure how much clearer I could be.....and yet....?

I get a note from a retired military guy who is sitting on his motorcycle holding his gun....
"You look fun, can we chat?"
What would you like to chat about Captain? What a clueless idiot you are?

Last week I get a note from "mydog'sgone" who tells me he is a "social smoker" and would that fit in my criteria for no smoking?
No, no it would not.
And no, I didnt ask what a social smoker is because I DONT CARE.

Another nice man sent me a note, a bit of an ice breaker. I checked out his profile, noticed that he was "Christian" and that it was "fairly important to him."
I responded thank you for the note but that i didn't think we would be a good match.
Now, at this point, most people know to  just move along. Not this guy. "why are we not a good match? I think we are. Cant we at least talk?"
Sir, you feel that Creationism should be taught in schools, and you describe yourself as conservative. I feel confident we have nothing to talk about.
At that point he felt compelled to tell me that " You damn liberals are so judgmental"...
Alrighty then...

Sometimes I do actually make it out for a face to face.
Lets call him Adam.
I knew Adam quite a long time ago, he dated a friend of mine. I was sure we were not a match for dating, and told him so, but he wanted to have coffee.
It started out ok, a bit of catching up and comparing jobs.
 And then...he wanted to talk about his Christianity.
I talked about the weather, he talked about ?
His Christianity.
I told him about my job, grand kids, dog...
He talked about his Christianity.
Finally I said " Adam, I am not just NOT Christian...I am ANTI-christian.
 He joked "you mean like Anti-christ?"
Me, deadpan:  "I'm comfortable with that."
Him: blink blink blink....

It kind of went sliding/crashing downhill from there.
Climaxing with him telling me it "was too bad" that I hadn't pushed my boys to join the service when they were younger...
Adam? I would move my boys to Sweden before I would have them join the service in this country.
AAANNNDD...we're done here.

The absolute kicker? About an hour after I practically ran to my car I get a text from him:
"That was fun, let's do it again soon."

The dog and I had a very nice rest of the weekend.

S'all good.