But then there's this.
A little over a year ago I was diagnosed with PTSD. Actually CPTSD - Complex Post traumatic stress disorder. I am not going to bore you with the textbook definition of Cptsd, you can look it up or not, but trust me when I say it's there.
I am not happy about this diagnosis, in many ways it makes me feel "less than".
But I am also relieved at some level. It explains a lot.
A LOT.
It explains why I need to be alone. A lot. A REAL lot. Why sometimes leaving the house and being around people is just way more than I can do.
It explains why I get panicky and short of breath when I think about having to do certain things.
It explains the HUGE reactions to "small" things.
It explains why I dont really listen to music much, ( there's enough going on in my head already) or enjoy anyplace with a lot of noise.
It explains my difficulty with change, especially unexpected.
It explains most of my sleep difficulties and nightmares.
It explains a lifelong pattern of unhealthy choices. (3 divorces! lots of job hopping!)
and on and on....
I was taking the assessment because of wanting a medical cannabis card for sleep and pain. Taking the assessment was a revelation.
The questions caught me off-guard. I felt so exposed.
"Wait!! You know about that?!? You know that happens?!"
Having the layer of pretense peeled back by the clinician was revelatory for me.
It told me that this stuff happens to OTHERS! That in itself was hugely comforting and regulating for me.
It doesn't really matter why I have CPTSD ( it's kind of a death by a thousand cuts situation) but suffice it to say there has been a life time of abuse, many losses, trauma, and then a couple of huge events more recently. Not to mention "THE TIME OF COVID" ( this should be accompanied in your head by blaring trumpets).
There has been a lot of research around the science of CPTSD and how it affects us. Here is a good explanation that I found helpful
So what happens now?
That was my question. I mean, just having a diagnosis doesnt really change anything in a big way. But what I am finding is that it changes things in small ways that add up to big ways. I feel empowered to take control of this, to learn about how to help myself and get on track for some real healing. I pay attention to my reactions now instead of denying or hiding them.
And I also feel like I finally have a road map to building the kind of life that nurtures me instead of constantly feeling like I am swimming upstream or butting my head against a wall.
I've given myself permission to not work in Human Services anymore, which was HARD for me. It has been a big part of my identity for many years. Many CPTSD folks like to help. It's how we feel valued and recognized. It was not an accident that I was in a profession that helped others but drained me.
Why talk about this you may ask?
Well, I think it helps, not just me or any other person with CPTSD, but also OTHERS who may have someone in thier life who seems like they are struggling. There is a good chance that that person has had trauma of some kind that is unprocessed and interferring in thier life. That is maybe affecting thier decision making or social skills or even just how they are able to move around in the world. Maybe you or someone else reading this will recognize some of what Im saying about yourself, and get some recovery skills and relief. Resources are out there.
I think it helps, to talk and listen and pull it all out into the light. The whole topic of Mental Health is a big one and one that deserves conversation and recognition. We need and deserve to know what it looks like and how to help both ourselves and others.
I feel lucky to have people in my life that keep inviting me places even though I rarely accept. I feel lucky to have a work and home life that allows me to care for myself in a nurturing way. I think this is possible because I DID pull it into the light.
So, I am still here. paying attention and choosing carefully and enjoying the parts that work.
s'all good,
SG
