|Some wee castle in Ireland....|
"I AM LOOKING FOR LOVE, WILL SOMEONE FIND ME!!!.WHY IS LOVE SO HARD TO FIND??. WHERE are ALL the good women?? There are days I wonder, WHY can't I find someone??..Who would of thought at 50+ years old I would be looking to start a new relationship?...I am looking for someone to love and share life. Not looking for someone who when things get difficult runs away. I am not the typical man, enjoy spending a quite night at home with my mate. Seeking encouragement from a great woman!! I am not very handsome, so if you are into looks, move on. I have beauty in my heart. I am looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with!!!"
Mother of god, calm DOWN!!!
How DO people connect?
What does it mean to connect?
How do people, singles, FIND each other in the thousand upon thousands of choices.
I met a man online and went to Ireland to meet him.
I said it.
It wasn't quite that simple...
But that is the gist of it.
Here's the thing...
I like connecting...
or really, communicating.
I NEED to communicate.
Part of my online profile:
I am a communicator....!!
It's what jazzes me up and revs my engine. Talk to me....
About my day,
About your day,
about big and small ideas,
about how ridiculous life is because it sure as hell can be!
If you dont like to talk on the phone,,,or text,,,or chat....You may not enjoy me... :-)
I got a note from a guy recently, who seemed interested in connecting. I checked him out. Nice looking, seemed like an adult, etc..so I said "Sure, how do you feel about calling?"
I get this back:
Ahhhhhh terrible esp if I don't know the other person.
It may be better if we do the 20 question routine.
Let me know your thoughts. Thank you, R
But how were you wanting to CONNECT?!?
When I first started playing online, I would just chat via text. Then I progressed to the phone, if the man I was talking to seemed safe.
I will say, it has back fired a couple times, and here is why:
I am good on the phone. I am comfortable and chatty, I put people at ease and foster a sense of, shall we say, intimacy. No, not phone sex....
Of ideas, and feelings, and life.
Its great, except,
It's not real.
It creates a heightened sense of artificial closeness. And when you finally meet that person, frequently the flesh and blood version is a bit.....lacking perhaps?
Like the guy with BO so bad I could smell him from 4 feet away.
But great on the phone.
Or the guy who's pics were clearly not only NOT recent, they were not from this DECADE.
(Think Colonal Sanders crossed with Gollum...not good)
But great on the phone.
Or the guy with terrible teeth, I mean terrible, who taught me to always check profile pics for shots of them smiling.
Totally great on the phone.
I guess this all sounds a bit shallow. But connecting is such a fragile science.
If I were to meet any one of these people BEFORE chatting, we wouldn't BE chatting.
Is that bad?
Or is it just that I have learned what I can compromise on and what I cant?
Shouldn't we all be paying attention to that?
I am also 100% sure that it is not just one sided on my part, although no one has come right out and said it (But you sounded so much ....thinner)
Or some men loose sight of the fact that talking on the phone, regardless of the level of discussion, does NOT constitute a commitment on my part to spending the bulk of my spare time for the foreseeable future with them.
This "communicating" stuff is part of the PROCESS...
One guy and I connected well but I realized that it just wasn't going to go further since he lived 2+ hours away and had sole custody of a 9yo boy. (yes, I am serious, I am not interested) This man was NOT going down without a fight ,,,,he campaigned for a couple weeks ("my son and I want you in our lives!") trying to convince me that it "was worth it" and I did finally have to block him.
But those times are rare.
Back to Ireland.
This man, we'll call him Jack, and I connected. We messaged quite a bit online, then moved to email. Soon we had exchanged phone numbers, although international calling was not handy. We even got to where we were having Skype "dates". I was aware that it was kind of , well, crazy,
but it was so fun!
And we could CONNECT.
Jack got the whole talking thing.
He told me about him, he asked about me, he sent me thoughtful bits through out the week that let me know he was thinking of me.
It was really exactly what feeds me.
And one day, I just knew, I wanted to go meet him.
"What the hell" I thought "I can go to Ireland!"
So I did.
It was great.
Jack was an attentive and gracious host. ( His terrier of a Scottish woman room mate was another matter) and we traveled all over Northern and western Ireland.
I had a great vacation.
But, although it was a bit of a fling, we both suspected that it was not THE romance that we both hoped for.
For one thing, we moved at a very different pace of life. The whole time I was there I was itching to move...DO something. Typical American I guess but it was not to be ignored. Jack was more, let's say, sedate.
And I stood out a few other times as ...AMERICAN.
"What do you mean there's no hot water?!?"
" That is NOT a large ice water. Try using your biggest BEER glass" ( what IS it about ice water there? Completely baffling)
Then there was the dinner incident.
We had traveled all day, and Jack suggested a burger place he knew about in the town that was "simple".. I said fine.
We walked in and,,,,I turned into the biggest American princess EVER.
It was filthy. It was 2 steps BELOW McDonalds. There was no pretense of actual food on the menu.
I looked at him, waiting for him to come to the same conclusion I had , that there was no way we could eat there.
He was happily perusing the menu.
I didnt speak up ( a bloody miracle) and ordered food that i thought maybe i could manage.
He ate mine and his.
We went back to bed& breakfast with his 4 evening tall boys of Stella Artois. ( Another red flag for me...EVERY night, 4 tall cans of cheap beer GUZZLED down....)
I didnt want this to MATTER. We connected so well, we really seemed to communicate. Except, for me, the spell was broken. How could someone who "knew" me think it would be ok to take me to that place for dinner ( OK, I get that I can be a princess, but whatever). And then just chomp down my dinner as well as his without thinking something may be ..wrong?
The rest of the trip was fine, in many many ways. I loved Ireland. When I left he expressed wanting to come visit me in New England. I just needed to get home, so we didnt talk much about it.
You know what?
He did come.
And any lingering doubts about our connection being stronger than my concerns were quickly put to rest, best summed up by saying that he drank too much and showered too little.
He told a friend on Facebook (Note: do not leave your Facebook page open around me) that I was "difficult" in my home environment.
He laid on my couch, eating, drinking and reading for the whole time he was here.
He left early.
No, I did not kick him out.
Yes, I asked him to stop drinking in my house.
It was a learning experience.
What did I learn?
That, while I like communicating, and I am drawn to it and easily seduced by it,
it is not the whole enchilada.
Connecting is fragile and complex.
It is seeing the other persons face while you talk.
It is processing body language and demeanor.
It's their eyes and smell and smile.
Is that shallow?
I dont think it is.
I believe its the chemistry, the magic, of falling in love.
I cant wait to do it again......