As if..

As if dating in your 50's wasnt hard enough,
Along comes THE PANDEMIC and says
“ hold my beer...."




Ok, to be completely transparent,
I wasn't doing much in the way of dating anyway.
I am not in the mood.
I haven't BEEN in the mood for quite some time to be honest.
I am snarky and tired and more than a bit overwhelmed on most days.

I like to nest in my home, seeing friends and my family and hanging out with the dog.

And now? With this situation?
I mean, c'mon?!

Even though much of my life hasn't changed during this period of distancing (I am not exactly a social butterfly in the best of times) there is one huge change I've found:
I have time.
Lots of time.
After living almost exclusively in a vortex of rushing around and multi-tasking, I suddenly can slow down.
Not just can, but have to.
There's no place to rush to,
no person waiting,
no tasks piling up because I had time to actually DO them.
I can go for walks with the dog and not check the time, know that I can linger as long as he wants to sniff that spot or wade in the water.
I can cook a decent breakfast every morning and even sit down to eat it.
Couch time with a book is no longer an elusive prize to chase and don't even get me started on napping! Oh the long glorius naps we are having, with both cat and dog curled up close, sun streaming in the windows or, more likely this year in these early days of spring, the sound of rain making  it more cozy still.
 And yes, I am working from home, but it's such a different feeling than rushing around in the morning in order to get myself to the office every day, leaving my sad-faced dog behind.

Given all these forced changes, if I am feeling the need to connect with the dating world, online is the only choice at the moment. In the past this was the efficient way, the thing that busy adults did who didn't have time or energy to go seek a companion by going out socializing.
But now that it's the only option, and since everyone is sitting home anyway, I vote that we  make it work for us.

I have done online dating ,of some sort or another ,on and off for years.
Mostly off lately, even before the pandemic.
Now, with the social distancing, it seemed pointless to even be online since a meeting is not an option at the moment.
But then I started thinking, could this be good?
 You see, my favorite part of online dating is the chatting, connecting through the email feature and exchanging messages for a bit. Many times this doesn't last long enough, at least for me. Frequently men want to jump to meeting pretty darn quickly.  But oh, when someone does want to chat and they're witty and can write, well, its pretty great. It's intoxicating in ways that a half hour coffee date to see if there are "sparks" just isn't.
And now we have no choice.
No coffee dates, no lunches, no dinners.
I guess you could meet for a walk with someone, and I know some who have "dated" this way, but that's pretty frustrating trying to converse with someone you really don't know while maintaining a 6 foot minimum distance.
Someone suggested video dating.
No.
I mean, do you know ANYONE that looks good during a zoom meeting or facetime?
No, you do not.

Is it possible to connect without meeting?
What if we could go back to the days of exchanging notes for weeks before meeting?
Of courting?
Communicating with someone on a deeper level than the quick back and forth that usually precedes the first date.
Dating app email is good for starts and the phone is good as well, but I confess, I am a texter. Nothing makes me smile more than getting a series of texts through out the day. Quick, funny,  irreverent - all good. But also the longer exchanges that can happen while you both may be doing something else ( I am an incurable multi-tasker).
Recently I connected with someone that I had met online last fall. He had met someone else before we even met in person and so we stopped chatting. But we fell back into it pretty fast and it was fun. Really fun.
I actually wanted to meet him and see if anything was  “there". That doesn't happen often for me.
But, as much as I love the chat, I also have learned the hard way that an eventual meet is required and doesn’t always go the way you hope. Someone may be captivating on the phone or text, but when you actually are face to face it
Just. Doesn’t. Happen.
For whatever reason.
Maybe that's why I don't rush into the "meet phase", its kind of nice to entertain the fantasy of someone for a while without seeing how they look talking or dealing with hygiene issues or whatever else they (and yes, me!) have as personal quirks. It's sometimes hard to predict what little thing about yourself or someone else may be intolerable.

This man and I didn't meet and apparently won't. He had been having a series of social distance walks with several women. ( side note: juggling several  women while you decide which one you will grace with your undivided attention is the definition of the term “Player”, no matter how much you protest that you are not. Ahem. )
He and one of those women went to the next level of interest when he decided that doing the “36 questions” activity would be a fun way to pass the time on a face to distanced face  date which took place on his front porch. If you don't know about the 36 questions, look it up.
He seemed surprised that this activity would be translated into a higher level of interest, but it appropriately was, and so there he goes.

This is where communicating with writing and some phone can go awry. What does it MEAN? It is clearly open to different interpretations from different people. I can and have felt incredibly connected to someone while only texting and talking on the phone. Yes,  I have found that its important to keep one foot on the floor as a reality check ( we don't actually know each other , do we?) until the meet, but during that fun period of texting and chatting I can feel pretty darned connected. And, although it surprises a lot of men,  they can feel it too.
Is this the courting I crave?
However, the minute one of you is spending actual time in the same space with another, I am not going to muddy the water by engaging in a daily text marathon with someone else. That energy belongs to the other person in the room.
It’s a hard lesson but one worth learning in my book. No drama please.

So here we are. Pioneers in the skills of dating during pandemic. Whether we want to be or not.
Shoot me a text and we can talk about it.
It's all good.
SG

Room mates and deal breakers

My room mates are jerks....

One overeats to the point of vomiting on a regular basis, (usually in my clothes or somewhere equally disgusting that I find at inopportune moments,) and is a ridiculous prima dona.
The other chews up my underwear if given half a chance (clean or dirty, doesnt matter),  begs for food constantly and frequently smells bad as he takes up half the bed.

I adore both of them.

My cat Tippy and my dog Mose are my room mates.
They are non-judgmental, always happy to see me and don't care where I move the furniture.
I am, unreservedly, in love with them both....
but especially the dog.
ESPECIALLY the dog..
He is just...my guy.

So, when looking for someone to date, the dog is a factor for me.
Is that wrong?
I don't care.

I need to be able to see a potential boyfriend 2 ways for it to work for me:
1. Would he fit in with my friends AKA Team Swannygirl?
2. Would he be good with the Mose?
    By "good" I mean he GETS it...that I love the dog.
That the dog is a huge part of my life.
That I cant make plans without considering the dog.

When I get a note from a prospect online, one of the first things I check is his answer to this compatibility question on the dating website:
"Would you ever let a pet sleep on the bed?"
If his answer is a firm "NO", I dont really see any reason to continue, do you?

That, dear reader, is what's known as a "deal breaker" in the dating world.
I have other deal breakers that you have may have  read about here:
guns, wanting me to ride on your motorcycle, and smoking.
Being politically conservative isn't even a deal breaker,
it's a "why are you talking to me?"

Some may say I am too rigid.
But this is not my first time at this rodeo. I have been more "flex" in the past and after a certain point you just know the things you can compromise on and the things you cant. I'm at the point where value of a relationship has to be strong enough to cancel out the convenience and enjoyment of being alone.

That's right, I said it...ENJOYMENT of being alone. It's just,,easier sometimes.
Ok, a lot of times.

I've had this conversation with other women, and for the most part they all agree, especially the single ones that are 50 -ish. Of course women that are in long term relationships also recognize that compromise is the name of winning that game.
BIG compromise sometimes.
I know a couple who are polar opposites politically. They just never, NEVER talk about politics.
Ever.
It seems to work for them.
 I know I could not do it.I have tried to figure out WHY you would even want to, but I came up with nothing...
unless?
One of them "evolved" during the course of the relationship? Maybe they were on the same page in the beginning?

We notice that some things are tolerable if you have been with the person for a longer period of time, and certain things "evolve". Maybe your guy didn't have that annoying habit 15 years ago but one morning you wake up and realize that the way he flosses his teeth while watching tv at the breakfast table is beyond annoying.
However....
It would not necessarily be a deal breaker.
It snuck up on you.
You have put in some time with this person, you've both made an investment. You have both changed while "aging in place" together. You have BOTH acquired new habits and personal quirks. After spending years with a person you tend not to notice or just plain overlook. ( or so I'm told..sigh).
But...
If you meet someone new with out of control ear hair ( do people not have mirrors??),  or terrible teeth, or the need to have Fox news on the telly 24/7, you may not feel like exploring that relationship further.
It's at this point that hanging out with the dog looks mighty fine.

Here's is one thing I hear ALL THE TIME from women my age-ish who are in long term relationships:
"If he died tomorrow, god forbid ( they always say "god forbid"...always) I would never live with a man again.
What's that all about?
To me it says these women are happy/content with their relationships but are recognizing that it's, well, perhaps not all it's cracked up to be. That life may possibly be simpler without a "room mate". Really successful couples I know seem to have in common the ability to live together but separate. They tend to each have their own lives and certainly don't expect the other person to meet all needs for them.
But it's more than that.
It's about SPACE.
We get to a certain age, especially if you have lived alone at ALL leading up to a relationship, and we don't want to compromise as much anymore. Once you've had a taste of that freedom, yes FREEDOM, to come and go as you please, to leave your shoes wherever you want, to eat cereal for dinner 3 nights in a row without comment from someone, or to have the dog on the bed,,.it's hard to go back.  We like having our things "just so".
Having another person in our hard won space feels overwhelming.

I had a conversation about this recently with a friend, who is beautiful and also single. She said that, although she's open to meeting someone, she feels she has her "force shield" up against men...not really sure if she wants anyone too near.
I know what she's talking about.
I am lonely ..a lot.
But I also kind of like being alone.... a lot.
When I consider letting someone in, I clench up.
I don't think this is unique to 50-something women either. I know at least one of my male friends who struggles with this. He loves his girlfriend but doesn't necessarily want to share space with her full time.
It may be an introvert/extrovert issue...I tend to refuel with time alone. I love my "team" but find it exhausting to spend too much time in the company of others.
Or it really may just be that as we age, and have the opportunity to nurture our personal space, it becomes harder to give it up for another.

Here's what I've come up with recently, by way of a partial explanation (and  thank the holy cheezits for therapy and friends).
I don't want to be with people that I cant be myself with.
There....
Seems obvious, right?
But it's so hard!! And if you have been in one ( or more) relationships where you COULDNT be yourself, you tend to be a bit gun-shy.

Another idea that recently came to light for me:
Relationships don't necessarily have to look like other people's relationships,
 or even what other people's IDEA of what relationships should look like.
Why do I have to WANT to live with someone in order to want a relationship?
Why do 2 people who are in a relationship need to live together?
WHY?!

My amazing friend, lets call her Anne,  is living this out real time. She has a lovely man in her life, they love and appreciate each other and are committed to the relationship. Through a series of life events they found themselves at THE crossroads, you know, the one where you have to make a DECISION. He needed to move out of his place. Was it "time" to cohabitate? Didn't that make sense?
But...they found themselves asking if that is what they really wanted. They had a perfectly lovely relationship and spent just the right amount of time together. There was not a burning desire to spend ALL their time together.  So they didn't. Instead, they built a picture that worked for them, a new model that takes who they are into consideration.
Anne stayed in her lovely apartment where she is happy and her partner, who was ready to buy, did just that. They are both happy and relieved with the arrangement.
This gives me hope.

So....I think a lot about community.
And "place"...where do I fit in and how do I get there? And who do I want there with me (other than the dog)?
Where can I most be myself?

While I work on these and other burning issues, you'll see me around town walking the Mose, who can not WAIT to get home and lie on my bed with his wet self.

S'all good.
SG

The Friend Zone...

Mose says " Dont forget to enjoy the view"

Sometimes,,,? 
It's just about connecting. Not romance. 
I'm pretty sure that was not the intention of the online sites (although, to be fair, "friendship" is one of the status options) but it happens. 
Well, it happens for ME. 
How?


I believe, contrary to the belief of many, that heterosexual men and women can be friends.
It takes transparency and honesty from both parties. 

Transparency to any  significant others involved  (if its really a friendship then you should have no problem talking about it) , and honesty that you are being true to your feelings (are you REALLY only interested in being friends?). 

I see lots of funny, bright, well thought out profiles online. People obviously putting some thought and effort into the process. These are the ones that I may send a note to, even if they are too far away, to just say "hey, nice job! You made me laugh, points were scored, have a nice day." These are the men I could see having a "friend connection" with. 

But those profiles are rare. Many profiles read like a resume, or merely a list of ACTIVITIES.

People who like to:
Ride mountain bike
Cross country ski
Downhill ski
Hang glide
Trail run
Ride motocross
Bungie jump
Ball room dance ( really?!?)
Snowshoe
Kayak/canoe/paddle board
Fish
Hunt
Golf
Bowl
Did I miss anything? 
Oh wait, yes, wine and beer tours........

The really interesting thing? I have seen MANY of these on the same profile....
My reaction? These people are nuts. 
Or really really busy. 
They are NOT going to be happy with me. 
Not that I'm a slug,,,but I just, you know, like to be home ,,,,occasionally. I'm a great.."putterer". I hang around the house. I hang out in town, drinking coffee, chatting with friends, reading, RELAXING. 
When I see a laundry list of ACTIVITIES like this I think " Does this man even WORK?"

I have been approached by these men and, after reading their interests /hobbies list I usually say something like " Buddy, You will not be happy hanging out with me". 
And, many times they respond with " but wouldn't you like to LEARN skiing /cycling/ bowling/shooting/golf / blah blah blah...

No.....
I would not. 
Full disclosure: I DO kayak, just not for hours or days or on white water. 
And I DO  hike, just not on trails that require special training and rations and safety equipment. 
And I prefer it if I can bring my dog. Please. 
And I'll GO fishing ...if I can bring a book and a chair to park my butt in. Go fish your little heart out pal, I'll be here with the cooler and my book. 

So, reading through the profiles with a discerning eye for one that perhaps shows a person worth exploring is ...let's say, challenging. And I try to remember that not everyone is comfortable writing, Or talking about themselves. Or speaking in full sentences apparently.

How do you know when one is worth a little more effort on YOUR part? How to find that diamond in the rough, or even find that potential friend connection?

I get a note from this guy:
"Hi. Let's connect. Ron"
My first impulse is to delete and move on. I mean seriously? 
 I take a quick look at his profile and he's...cute. But the profile is, let's say, sparse. 
There's just really not much there. 
At this point dear reader, depending on the day  and my level of loneliness or boredom, is when I may start to fabricate. It's a tempting part of the online experience. 
"Maybe his profile is new and he hasn't had time to fill it in"
"Maybe he's super busy at his high-powered job and just wants to see if anyone is interested"
Whatever the reason, I don't hit delete.
 I respond:
"Hi Ron 
thanks for the note. I would need to know a lot more about you before we "connect". Your profile is pretty sparse. Hope you have a good day!" 

That response, for me, is pretty ..polite. 
For me. 
And I assumed that he, like so many others, would abort the mission when realizing that he had a live, thinking female on the other end. 

But he didn't.
 He stepped up and sent a thoughtful, informative and witty response. 

Let the conversation begin. 

And it DID! 

We chatted online. Then exchanged phone numbers. And, ohmygod, did we ever TALK!

For hours, about all kinds of things. 

I give good phone.....it's my "thing"...

But, even for me, this was good. He and I connected all right. 
Both having fun, both sharing and interested. 

We made a plan to meet.
Big anticipation. 

And?

Nope. It just wasn't there face to face. For either of us I think, but definitely for me. 

yes, yes, yes,,,I can hear you all screaming "It was only one date, give it a chance!"

But you know what? I've been doing this awhile. And I HAVE given others longer, because I felt I "should" ( I hate that word,,should)...and that just doesn't work. 

Not only does it not work, 
it makes me hella cranky. 

I would rather be home with the dog...

The problem was with this guy, is we that liked each other in lots of other ways. I didn't want to lose someone completely that I felt a connection with.

So, 
we are friends. We check in with each other and still have long phone conversations, although not as much since he met a lovely woman who he DID feel something for face to face. He has told her about this friendship ( transparency) and maybe she and I will even meet one day and become friends too. 

So, unique and isolated incident?
Nope

As of today, I have at least 4 (not counting Swannydude, who is my cosmic twin and family) 
male friends. Buddies. Bros as one of them calls me. 

There's Ron, who is a therapist, a really GOOD one I would say judging from our hours long chats, who is so much fun to laugh with. And get real with. We both are good at exploring the dark side of who we are and accepting it about ourselves and each other. 

There's the Santa guy ( don't ask) who I met years ago online, we dated for a month and then realized that wasn't going to work. But he's fun, and funny and kind so we stay in touch. Some periods we talk every day and others we go for weeks. But I know he's there. 

There's my sweet friend who lives right in town, he is not an online connection. I love both he and his wife, but he and I are chums and I cherish that friendship. He checks in with me to make sure I'm "ok" ...it's so comforting. 

And then there's "B"...who I adore. He's an artist, and dark and a bit broody. He and I click on many many levels, but I knew right away that being in a relationship with him was not something that would, let's say, enhance my life. I think we would end up hating each other and I love him too much to want that to happen. We connect almost every day and it feels like a gift. He is not afraid to tease me and I am not afraid to give him a kick in the pants when needed. He is my truest supporter. I can tell him my deepest darkest and he can tell me his. 
B is in a relationship with a wonderful woman who he actually met around the same time as me, and who is perfect for him in many ways. Except she is threatened a bit by our friendship, which is definitely the fly in the ointment. I hope we meet, so she can love me too. I'll bring cookies. 
In the meantime all I can do is be honest about my feelings and enjoy the friendship we have. 

So while I keep checking and exploring and hanging out with the dog, I'll soak up the treasure that friendship brings. 
S'all good. 

SG

So...Ireland.

Some wee castle in Ireland....

From Lookin4luv:

"I AM LOOKING FOR LOVE, WILL SOMEONE FIND ME!!!.WHY IS LOVE SO HARD TO FIND??. WHERE are ALL the good women?? There are days I wonder, WHY can't I find someone??..Who would of thought at 50+ years old I would be looking to start a new relationship?...I am looking for someone to love and share life. Not looking for someone who when things get difficult runs away. I am not the typical man, enjoy spending a quite night at home with my mate. Seeking encouragement from a great woman!! I am not very handsome, so if you are into looks, move on. I have beauty in my heart. I am looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with!!!"

Mother of god, calm DOWN!!!

wow.....

How DO people connect?
What does it mean to connect?
How do people, singles, FIND each other in the thousand upon thousands of choices.
Chance Encounter?
Fate?

I met a man online and went to Ireland to meet him.
There.....
I said it.

It wasn't quite that simple...
or quick.
But that is the gist of it.

Here's the thing...
I  like connecting...
or really, communicating.
I NEED to communicate. 
Part of my online profile:

I am a communicator....!!
It's what jazzes me up and revs my engine. Talk to me....
About my day,
About your day,
about big and small ideas,
about how ridiculous life is because it sure as hell can be!
If you dont like to talk on the phone,,,or text,,,or chat....You may not enjoy me... :-)   

I got a note from a guy recently,  who seemed interested in connecting. I checked him out. Nice looking, seemed like an adult, etc..so I said "Sure, how do you feel about calling?"

I get this back:

Ahhhhhh terrible esp if I don't know the other person.

It may be better if we do the 20 question routine.

Let me know your thoughts. Thank you, R

Um...ok. 
But how were you wanting to CONNECT?!?

When I first started playing online, I would just chat via text. Then I progressed to the phone, if the man I was talking to seemed safe. 
I will say, it has back fired a couple times, and here is why:
I am good on the phone. I am comfortable and chatty, I put people at ease and foster a sense of, shall we say, intimacy. No, not phone sex....
SHARING.
Of ideas, and feelings, and life. 
Its great, except, 
It's not real. 
It creates a heightened sense of artificial closeness. And when you finally meet that person, frequently the flesh and blood version is a bit.....lacking perhaps? 

Like the guy with BO so bad I could smell him from 4 feet away. 
But great on the phone. 
Or the guy who's pics were clearly not only NOT recent, they were not from this DECADE. 
(Think Colonal Sanders crossed with Gollum...not good) 
But great on the phone. 
Or the guy with terrible teeth, I mean terrible, who taught me to always check profile pics for shots of them smiling. 
Totally great on the phone.  

 I guess this all  sounds a bit shallow. But connecting is such a fragile science. 
If I were to meet any one of these people BEFORE chatting, we wouldn't BE chatting. 
Is that bad? 
Or is it just that I have learned what I can compromise on and what I cant?
Shouldn't we all be paying attention to that?

I am also 100% sure that it is not just one sided on my part, although no one has come right out and said it (But you sounded so much ....thinner)
Or some men loose sight of the fact that talking on the phone, regardless of the level of discussion, does NOT constitute a commitment on my part to spending the bulk of my spare time for the foreseeable future with them. 
This "communicating" stuff is part of the PROCESS...
One guy and I connected well but I realized that it just wasn't going to go further since he lived 2+ hours away and had sole custody of a 9yo boy. (yes, I am serious, I am not interested) This man was NOT going down without a fight ,,,,he campaigned for a couple weeks  ("my son and I want you in our lives!") trying to convince me that it "was worth it"  and I did finally have to block him.
 But those times are rare. 

Back to Ireland. 
This man, we'll call him Jack, and I connected. We messaged quite a bit online, then moved to email. Soon we had exchanged phone numbers, although international calling was not handy. We even got to where we were having Skype "dates". I was aware that it was kind of , well, crazy, 
but it was so fun! 
And we could CONNECT. 
Jack got the whole talking thing. 
He told me about him, he asked about me, he sent me thoughtful bits through out the week that let me know he was thinking of me.
It was really exactly what feeds me. 

And one day, I just knew, I wanted to go meet him.
 "What the hell" I thought "I can go to Ireland!"
So I did. 
And?
It was great. 
Mostly.....
Jack was an attentive and gracious host. ( His terrier of a Scottish woman  room mate was another matter) and we traveled all over Northern and western Ireland. 
I had a great vacation. 
But, although it was a bit of a fling, we both suspected that it was not THE romance that we both hoped for.  
For one thing, we moved at a very different pace of life. The whole time I was there I was itching to move...DO something. Typical American I guess but it was not to be ignored. Jack was more, let's say, sedate. 
And I stood out a few other times as ...AMERICAN. 
"What do you mean there's no hot water?!?"
" That is NOT a large ice water. Try using your biggest BEER glass" ( what IS it about ice water there? Completely baffling) 

Anyhoo.....

Then there was the dinner incident. 
We had traveled all day, and Jack suggested a burger place he knew about in the town that was "simple".. I said fine. 
We walked in and,,,,I turned into the biggest American princess EVER. 
It was filthy. It was 2 steps BELOW  McDonalds. There was no pretense of actual food on the menu. 
 I looked at him, waiting for him to come to the same conclusion I had , that there was no way we could eat there. 
He was happily perusing the menu. 
I didnt speak up ( a bloody miracle) and ordered food that i thought maybe i could manage. 
I couldnt. 
He ate mine and his. 
We went back to bed& breakfast with his 4 evening tall boys of Stella Artois. ( Another red flag for me...EVERY night, 4 tall cans of cheap beer GUZZLED down....)

I didnt want this to MATTER. We connected so well, we really seemed to communicate. Except, for me, the spell was broken. How could someone who "knew" me think it would be ok to take me to that place for dinner ( OK, I get that I can be a princess, but whatever). And then just chomp down my dinner as well as his without thinking something may be ..wrong?

The rest of the trip was fine, in many many ways. I loved Ireland. When I left he expressed wanting to come visit me in New England. I just needed to get home, so we didnt talk much about it. 
You know what?
He did come. 
And any lingering doubts about our connection being stronger than my concerns were quickly put to rest, best summed up by saying that he drank too much and showered too little. 
He told a friend on Facebook (Note: do not leave your Facebook page open around me) that I was "difficult" in my home environment. 
He laid on my couch, eating, drinking and reading for the whole time he was here. 
He left early. 
No, I did not kick him out. 
Yes, I asked him to stop drinking in my house. 

It was a learning experience. 

What did I learn?
That, while I like communicating,  and I am drawn to it and easily seduced by it, 
it is not the whole enchilada. 
Connecting is fragile and complex. 
It is seeing the other persons face while you talk. 
It is processing body language and demeanor.
 It's their eyes and smell and smile. 
Is that shallow?
 I dont think it is. 
I believe its the chemistry, the magic, of falling in love. 
Isnt it?

I cant wait to do it again......

S'all good....

SG

Only the lonely.

The gorgeous and talented Tippy Cat. 

From "Big Bill" in Obscurity, Maine...

       "I got the diabetes.
         It took my toe.

         I still get around.....                                                                                          mostly. "

Sigh.....

We are all so...vulnerable.

I rarely send messages out on the site. It takes a really GOOD profile to get me to comment on it or "approach" someone. So I appreciate it when a guy reaches out to me.
I appreciate it and yet, I am still a princess about who I let in.
I struggle with  the idea that I am too picky, too quick to discount someone based on their pics ( I cant possibly date someone who would wear THAT shirt) or a clunky profile description (spell check pal,,try it). 
I am ready to own that I could be more, shall we say, open. 
But....
Guys, think about what you're projecting fer crissakes!
A steady stream of just,,ridiculous messages come in. 

"i am just looking to have a good time with a lady whatever interests we can afford at the time, not really looking for full time partner. something easy first a movie or coffee, dinner, drive sight seeing, concert play or just use me to go somewhere you don't want to go alone i am very easy. anything is bettor than what i am doing now."

Christ almighty, hide the sharps....

A favorite (?) not long ago was this gem, One sentence, 2 words:
"Engage me"
Maybe I was having a bad day, I dunno. But I got pissed. 
Engage you?!? 
Engage ME muthafucka!! You narcissistic neanderthal!! 
No,,, I didn't  send it. 
Delete, move on...

One note from "Planetary man" was so fascinating I almost suggested meeting just so I could see what he was like in person, because I was strongly suspecting either Aspergers or just a terrible sense of humor. And no, I am not dissing Aspergers  so calm down. You just don't encounter this kind of thing on dating websites very often:
( a little background info...when someone looks at your profile you get a notification. I usually look at theirs when that happens, to see what they are like. This guy looked at mine so I checked his out. And yes, I am hearing how rude that sounds. 

Thank you for viewing my profile. Your image captured my attention as well, but I suppose that the computer has alerted you to that. You have a nice smile and make good eye contact.
There are a number of points in your profile that suggest a mutuality and at the risk of sounding too clinical and scientific, this may warrant further investigation. 
Now that I have placed myself in a somewhat vulnerable position, I will confess that I am not sure how to proceed. I am hoping that if you have a vague curiosity then you may choose to respond.
I have tried to infer some meaning from your profile name. At a loss, I checked with Mr. Google and found several very different definitions and a few that were not at all complementary. So, you are a woman of intrigue.
I hope that you have a pleasant balance of the day.

Take Care,
PlanetaryMan

I confess, I was intrigued by the sheer WEIRDNESS of it. 
I responded:
Wow,,
Thank you for your very interesting note. I would say, now that you've put yourself out there that proceeding would depend on my response. Unfortunately I don't see us as compatible for a call or meet but am happy to chat on here if that interests you. 
If not, good luck to you and try to enjoy the process. 
SG
Ps..my name is simply a morphed version of my actual last name. I am however, definitely a woman of intrigue. 
Have a delightful evening.

After that? Nada. Which is what so often happens. 

Yesterday someone called "seekingAsianlady" sent me a wink. That's just...confusing. And disturbing. 

And the steady stream of "Hi"..
From men 10 years younger or living half way across the country or in another country entirely. Just "hi". I dont even know how to acknowledge them. If you are so cramped up with shyness that you can only manage a "Hi" then perhaps this is not the forum for you? And why are you looking at my profile anyway if you are in Alaska?!?
Hi? 
Goodbye....

Sometimes a message looks ok at first glance and then,,,its not. 
 I got a fairly innocuous note a couple weeks ago:
"Hi, how's your day going ? I like your smile and profile."
Ok, not terrible although I would bet money he hadn't actually read my profile from his very general comments. But then I noticed his name.."WillUloveme776". 
And then I noticed his profile pic, which was him in what looked like a pair of too small boxer briefs standing outside on a deck somewhere. He was flexing. 
My day was fine until I saw that,,,and can now not UN-see it.
No, just no. 

I really do try to have a "we're all in this together" attitude with the online stuff. I assume everyone is just doing their best, even if it is hopelessly lame. I have a friend that approached it like a job..She said she just did the "head down, forge ahead" thing, filtering through the crap and going on as many dates as she could stand, many of which were tortuous.The good news is that she did meet a great guy and they are still together. 
I don't find I have the stomach for that. 
When I show up to meet someone, there is always the expected first awkwardness. But then, you know, it should pass and we should be comfortable. If I am cringing when he speaks, probably not a good sign. If his glasses are so dirty that I cant concentrate on what he is saying, also not a good thing (Yes, this happened. Yes I said something. No, I am not proud of it....although not consumed with guilt either)
Other first impression deal breakers ( for me):
Reeking of cigarette smoke
Nose hair...( I cant even have a conversation about this one...it completely tweaks me out)
His car has parts wired together ( Fine, I'm a bit of a snob)
He tries to kiss me within 30 seconds of meeting.
He tries to hold my hand at any point during the first date. Stop it. 

My most recent "meeting" looked promising. We met to go for a walk after chatting on the phone for a week or so. I didn't have a strong pull to him but felt it would be a pleasant time.  At first  it was kind of "meh" but then? 
It turned terrible. 
In the  first 15 minutes he launched into a story of how he had trouble with pests under his shed at home. He said " I had to trap them to get rid of them, 13 all together. Possums, woodchucks and a cat" I assumed, because of our previous conversations that he had used Have-a-heart traps, Because that is what kind, liberal people do. 
He didn't. 
 After noting the look on my face, he got defensive " I gave them a choice! I put out both the humane trap and the steel jawed traps. They all chose the steele traps."
And then? 
He was talking about his Swing dancing lessons....
Blink, blink. blink.....
I was horrified. 
I couldn't respond. 
I also couldn't end that goddam walk soon enough. 

Just for the record, I have had great first dates. I have met wonderful men online and am friends with several of them still. In fact I seem to have a knack for making "friends" online ( one said I "give good phone"), but at this point I'm stacking up male friends like cord wood, enough already!

So, I guess for me its "head down and forge ahead".... Maybe I'll plow into someone soon. 

S'all good
SG

Life is short and the dog is good company...

Here's the thing...
I am pretty happy most of the time, just being home.
With the dog.
You know, puttering around, reading, watching tv, going for walks, playing on the computer, baking or cooking.
I am content.
But I do want,,,something. ( no not THAT...necessarily,  get yer head outta the gutter).
I miss the companionship of communicating with my "person." at the end of the day.
Or throughout the day.
 I am a communicator,,,It jazzes me up and revs my engine. Text, talk, email,,,whatever...

So I am making the EFFORT to connect....except, maybe not much of an effort.
It's just that it takes a LOT to entice me to go out on an actual date.
Because men are,,,ya know, hard to understand ( my finely honed diplomacy skills at work here)
 Or maybe I just cant find one that makes me even want to TRY to understand him.....I'm sure it's me,,,right?
But......you know what?
These MEN...
They dont even READ my damn dating profile!!

Darling reader,,,you know me pretty well by now. You know that I am fairly, lets say, direct. Ok,,,,,blunt.
I used to say to Ex #3, "at least YOU dont have to guess what I'M thinking".

So you can safely ASSUME that my online profile is FULL of useful bits of information about me.
Here's a bit:

I'm honestly not sure what Im looking for on here anyway........
someone to chat with? 
New friend to have dinner with?
Surprise me!

Do I want to find a nice guy to have MORE with?
OF COURSE I DO!! Good god, who doesnt??!

But I am willing to be open and take things slow.I feel like it will happen when its supposed to.

Pretty straight forward,,yes? Low key, not too...intense.
And yet men feel compelled to connect with me by saying they feel a "love connection" FROM MY PROFILE and need to see me immediately. And actually have planned out our weekends for the foreseeable future.
And they call me sweetheart/sexy/darling...
Thank god for the "block" function on these sites.....

Another bit of my profile:

**Note:
Do you have guns? We are probably not a match.
Do you have a motorcycle? Prob not a match, but possible.
Do you want me to RIDE your motorcycle?? Not a match. yes, really.
And I really just cant be around cigarette smoke..

I'm not sure how much clearer I could be.....and yet....?

I get a note from a retired military guy who is sitting on his motorcycle holding his gun....
"You look fun, can we chat?"
What would you like to chat about Captain? What a clueless idiot you are?
READ MY DAMN PROFILE!

Last week I get a note from "mydog'sgone" who tells me he is a "social smoker" and would that fit in my criteria for no smoking?
No, no it would not.
And no, I didnt ask what a social smoker is because I DONT CARE.

Another nice man sent me a note, a bit of an ice breaker. I checked out his profile, noticed that he was "Christian" and that it was "fairly important to him."
I responded thank you for the note but that i didn't think we would be a good match.
Now, at this point, most people know to  just move along. Not this guy. "why are we not a good match? I think we are. Cant we at least talk?"
Sir, you feel that Creationism should be taught in schools, and you describe yourself as conservative. I feel confident we have nothing to talk about.
At that point he felt compelled to tell me that " You damn liberals are so judgmental"...
Alrighty then...


Sometimes I do actually make it out for a face to face.
Lets call him Adam.
I knew Adam quite a long time ago, he dated a friend of mine. I was sure we were not a match for dating, and told him so, but he wanted to have coffee.
It started out ok, a bit of catching up and comparing jobs.
 And then...he wanted to talk about his Christianity.
I talked about the weather, he talked about ?
His Christianity.
I told him about my job, grand kids, dog...
He talked about his Christianity.
Finally I said " Adam, I am not just NOT Christian...I am ANTI-christian.
 He joked "you mean like Anti-christ?"
Me, deadpan:  "I'm comfortable with that."
Him: blink blink blink....

It kind of went sliding/crashing downhill from there.
Climaxing with him telling me it "was too bad" that I hadn't pushed my boys to join the service when they were younger...
Adam? I would move my boys to Sweden before I would have them join the service in this country.
AAANNNDD...we're done here.

The absolute kicker? About an hour after I practically ran to my car I get a text from him:
"That was fun, let's do it again soon."
What?!?

The dog and I had a very nice rest of the weekend.

S'all good.
SG

Gentlemen,,put your shirts on!

Always a happenin time in the Dollhouse...

Last week my online profile was "looked at" by a guy called "Missing fingers"...I wish I was joking...
but I'm not.
sigh.....

Some people assume that, because I've been married a couple times, ( OK!... 3 times alright?! Shut up!) and have had a "few" relationships, that I may be less than positive about men.

Some People would be wrong.

I like men.
Ive spawned 2 pretty wonderful specimens.
I enjoy the  company of men as a general rule and love the fact that I have several male friends in my life at the moment. My cousin, Swannydude, is one of my most valuable team members
( I adore him) and is astute enough to apologize to me on a regular basis for his gender.
Because.....
he knows, that although I like men,and occasionally love them, they are frequently ,,you know,,,,,,less than bright.

Online dating brings this fact to the top of the pond like nothing else I have ever experienced.
It's incredible. And scary. And hilarious,,,
Im sorry ,,it IS!

Before anyone goes all crazy and tells me I'm being  Judgmental and rude....let me just say that
YES,,,
yes I AM!
That's what online dating is all about.
You, the customer, are basically shopping for a product that appeals to you and meets your needs.You get to judge and compare.
You look, sometimes you reach out, sometimes someone reaches out to you....
Frankly all the players are in very vulnerable positions.

A lot of the time people (Men in my case) reach out to you and you wonder if they even consider the fact that people (women) will see their profile.
Now before I get too far into this I want to recognize the fact that I believe that there is someone for everyone, and just because I may be skeeved out by the guy posing with 2 dead deer next to him doesnt mean ALL women will be.
 I get that.
But I still feel that there are a few basic rules that men can follow.

Guys...think about your profile name. THINK about it. For me personally (again I know other women may not be bothered) I look for a low key approach. Witty might be fine but really, just keep it simple and not....intense. Or rude. Maybe something that says something POSITIVE about you. Maybe dont mention that you have missing fingers for example. Or brag about your alleged sexual prowess..just sayin...
Safe choices:
K9guy
Islandman
Eat, dance, love ( although this one is on the edge for me...I hated that book);
or use your name:
Paul 1059
Danny2020
etc.

None of these make me frightened, or squeamish.
or frightened...
Trying NOT to frighten women is a good general rule.

For instance these names are NOT men I would gravitate to...

- GilesDungeon (Alarm!!!)

-RUKiddingme22 ( This guy's whole profile was disparaging..why are you HERE buddy?!)

-JerryKKK (um,,,no and take that hood off) 

- Commondisaster (Thanks for the warning)

- ArtforFartsake (no,,,just no. go away)

- PianoSparkle (ok, I know Im just being mean, but are you a damn Unicorn?!?

And my favorite this week, because it made me laugh was  BlueEyedBaldGuy ....and he was. 

The pictures you choose are pretty damn important too. General rule: Show us your "A" game.
If your best effort includes more visible hair in your nose than my dog has on his entire head,
that's a no.

It is ASTOUNDING how many middle aged men think the best way to portray themselves is with a beer in their hand and no shirt...
Stop it.
And I dont really want to see your scenic vacation pics from the last 4 trips you took....What's THAT all about?! Especially the ones of you WITH NO SHIRT ON.

C'mon guys,,,just be,,,,
normal. A nice clear RECENT head shot or two and maybe one of you proving you have legs.

Unless of course your profile name is Legless in NH...

S'all good...

SG

How the hell did I get here?!

Mose,,,he kills me. 

I can't lie..
This site is for ,,well, for me. To talk, to rant maybe, to put it all down.
Life is ridiculous as a 50-something girl. Yes, I said girl...I'm comfortable with that.
Sometimes I say woman.
Sometimes I say chica.
Sometimes I say goddess.
It all works.

Anyhoo.....
 I have a busy and fun life. I live in a quintessential small New England town where I know lots of people and can take my dog into the shop to buy the paper.
I have grown sons that I adore and 2 grand daughters who are a delight.
I have a dog that, well, im embarrassingly attached to. For real.
And a cat who is attached to me like a tick when I am home.
I have amazing friends.
I have a job which, though draining at times, is satisfying and rewarding.
All of these things and more comes into play in my big messy life.

But..... I am not dating.
No man.
Which, in and of itself is not the end of the world.
But in the evenings, when its quiet and everyone else is busy, I get bored.
And Lonely ( OH NO!! The other "L" word!!)
So......I use dating web sites to try and connect.
It is frequently the subject of BIG hilarity among Team Swannygirl.

So I will be writing about that. I guess it's my coping mechanism.
But this blog is about other elements of the 50-something single girl's life as well..
 Such as?
 Oh gosh,,,,I dont know,,,,,
The occasional minefield of parenting adult children?
What passes for drama when living in a small New England village?
Dealing with your bio family when your family is dysfunctional?
How to stay sane as an In-home Human Service worker?

So climb on dear reader,,,,,Your job is to help me laugh. You in?

S'all good.

SG