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Saturday, April 15, 2017

Contusion of the soul.

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Mose is ready for anything. 

I would have to say, overall, I feel fairly powerless these days. Our political climate in this country is just ...bad. It's like our country has some sort of terrible disease  and no one is offering any real treatments or options. It's fear, panic, and frustration 24/7. We yell, we march, we protest, we petition, and yet all this SHIT is happening all around us. A tsunami of events that we could not have made up in our worst nightmares is now our reality. 

When 45 dropped that hellish bomb last week, I cried. I was weepy or openly sobbing for hours. I just couldn't get on top of it. The reality of what it must have been like for those people to have this monstrous thing drop down on them, is beyond what I could absorb. I felt stunned.  I know many who felt the same way. I'm crying again while I write this. My very soul feels bruised by this horror. And every day it's something new, isn't it?

Everyday I read some terrible new repulsive thing that our leader is trying to jam down our throats and I could scream. Our leaders, not all but certainly the most visible ones, are apparently lunatics. It is a liberal girls nightmare and just seems to get worse daily. Its UNFATHOMABLE to me and many others, what the hell these people are thinking!! 
Are they thinking??  

On top of this national reality show gone bad is my own small world. 
With my banged up heart. 
Yes, my heart was broken recently-ish. It was not the first time and I'm pretty sure it wont be the last since it seems to be part of the human condition. 
But, holy cow, I really TRIED to not let it happen this time. 
 I did my own personal relationship version of marching, protesting, and petitioning and it still didn't go the way I hoped. This relationship circled the drain for a long time, feeding my hope and letting me believe again. 
It was, shall we say, painful. 
And disheartening. 

I'm fine. 
I mean, don't get me wrong,  there was some days that I felt like I was walking through broken glass trying to find a safe path through the shards. Those days became less and now spring has finally taken hold ( I hope!!) so at least in the small picture, hope can be found. 
We can hope even while sorting through the pain and disappointment and shame ( yes shame, that's another blog) and upset after a situation implodes. 

We NEED to hope. 

Because, here's the thing:
People are just so goddam ...fragile. 
And full of flaws. 
Every fucking one of us. 
We can and should recognize that is the case but it doesn't mean that sweetness isn't there. 
We can find the sweetness and need to remember to look. That is what hope is for me: remembering to look for the sweetness. 

We cant necessarily change the big crappy stuff that's going on around us. YES...we should continue to fight the good fight! Make some noise, scream, yell, march, work with others to change the wrongs. 

But we also have to take the time to hear that small voice inside that says "hey, i could use a little break here, whattya say?" 
And step out of lane for a bit. 
Whether its to take a breather from the big picture insanity or to give your broken heart time to heal. 

So I am trying as hard as I can to stay "present". and in the moment as much as possible in my small but messy life. That's what I am capable of when I feel powerless in the big picture, and that's what I NEED when I am overwhelmed with the small picture. 

Go and find joy in the day. 
Love people. 
Laugh with friends and sometimes cry with them. 
Eat some really yummy food. 

I plan on hugging my grand girls and watching them run crazy around the yard. 
And walking the Mose
And laughing at myself at least 3 times today. 

S'all good, 



  1. A friend of mine suggested I start blogging. Knowing nothing about how to do this, I started to search the internet and came across yours. I am so sorry to read of your broken heart and know what you feel like, for like you, mine was recently broken; actually shattered. Most of the pieces are back in place but there will always be some small piece missing.
    We had it all, well, let's say I thought we had it all. Until the truth came out. Nothing worse than a man who KNOWS what you want to hear and says it, in order to get what he wants. Yes we had some wonderful times. Yes we were on again off again for months, yes I did more for him than he did for me, however, the worse is that he went on and didn't even extend the courtesy to tell me, while he said he wanted his space which I accepted. He kept in touch, we did things together but when there was no "bedding" I wouldn't hear from him. Just who he is and it is sad.
    He believes there is nothing "wrong" with sleeping with me twice a week and dating other women and not telling them that he is still involved with the woman who has been in and out of his life for 20 plus years. But after all why be truthful, half a story is better than no story for some people.
    He has many wonderful qualities. I am not what he wants and I accept that.
    Yes, I am hurt and the emotional deception was more than I could bear for a while. Most recently when we were talking and I said you told me everything I wanted to hear to get what you wanted, he laughed, actually laughed and said yeah, I'm really good at that.
    The list goes on, I truly hope he will never do to anyone else what I allowed him to do to me.
    He likes cats because they are low maintenance, he doesn't like dogs at all -- He actually kicked my dog off the bed one time. When my dog tragically died in front of my eyes he didn't even reach out to me.
    What kind of an idiot was I that I accepted that. I was in love. As the saying goes, Love is Blind but the neighbors ain't.
    Fascinating really, when I learned he was on Match I signed up for a day to read his profile. WOW.........his profile picture is the one I took of him when we were visiting his parents in Long Island Mother's Day 2016. His words about himself made me want to vomit since he put honest at the top of the list, perhaps he is honest, however, he is not truthful. I will give him the hard working, he works for a courier company and does anywhere from 8 to 10 hours a day coupled with his commute from Brattleboro to West Hatfield, well....that is hard working. Yes he is a homeowner and that is a sad one.....It is his house and his ex girlfriend, and their adopted children live in the house.
    Where, oh where was I going with him??? Doesn't matter, it is over.
    What I accepted because I was in love with him....Dumb ass that I was. His spending Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving with the kids and the mom at her family's. New Year's eve -- wow, he would have preferred to spend it with his son, but he did spend it with me until New Year's eve 2016 -- when he hooked up with one of his women.
    Yes, I am bitter, actually, I am pissed, that it never was what I had imagined it to be and it never can be. I have forgiven myself for being blind, him for his inability to be truthful and all is well. I will always love him, I just cannot trust him and that is very, very sad.
    I kept the blinders on for much too long.
    I allowed what I felt for him and the brokenness to overwhelm me for much too long.
    There are some good ones out there, just not him, at least not for me. Like you I believe my heart will be broken again, I would rather it not be, but to love and be loved is worth the risk.
    I hope you will find that which is best for you.
    Grandchildren are the greatest blessing and taking walks with your dog phenomenal.
    I read some of your previous blogs and enjoyed them.
    Be well, be strong and keep on laughing.

  2. Thanks for the nice comment Anonymous! Writing is cathartic and relationships are hard...2 fundamental truths.
    Good luck!

  3. Relationships are hard more importantly for me, anyway, is they are enlightening.
    I read your other posts --- my goodness you are a brave, strong and courageous woman.
    Mose is adorable.......what a treasure.
    Thanks for the two fundamental truths and especially, the good luck.
    It has been the double edged sword; painful and healing at the same time. One of my greatest thoughts/beliefs is I would rather be hurt by the truth, than killed by a lie. For when trust is gone, it is gone. Doesn't matter whether I still love, without trust there is nothing.
    I send you a good luck as well, and hope you will never be "taken in" by him as he is still on match, or anyone like him as you deserve so much better.
    I am doing anonymous because I haven't decided what I would like to use as an identifying name. I gather it is unwise to use one's real name????
    Thanks for the help and more importantly thanks for taking the time to read what I wrote.
    Broken Heart Hurts, Broken Heart Heals.
    All is well and today I shall dance in the rain right here in New Hampshire.
    Be well and keep laughing.

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