My Mose

 

I have never felt as lonely as I do right now. 

I have been alone, without a partner or children off on their own, for much of my adult life. Partners have come and gone, mostly gone. Children grow up and do what they are supposed to do, start their own lives. I see and recognize all of this. Sometimes it has felt harder than others. 

But I've always had a dog. 

And for the last 14+ years, I've had Mosley. 

I don't have Mosley anymore and, as I said, I have never felt as lonely as I do right now. 

I know he needed to go, his quality of life was not good or even fair anymore. but I feel like I've lost a limb. I find myself looking for him and being ready to do whatever he needs ( go out? Come in? eat? get a brushing and a hug?)

Mose was always within a few feet of me if possible. We both liked it that way. Working from home has been such a blessing for us both, as much for me as him. I loved nothing more then to dig my bare toes into his furry side as he snored under my desk while I did my job. My lovely furry boy. 

I am realizing, now that he's gone , just how much of my life is based around his needs. 

Gladly I stayed in at night.

Gladly I didn't make plans that took me away for more than a few hours.

Gladly I didn't seek out companionship, it was too hard with Mose. (He did not like to share me. Which was fine with me.)

I can hear your responses. 

" try to get out of the house!" 

" go for a walk with friends"

"call someone and talk". 

And I will do some of that. But I want my dog. I want Mose. 

I WANT him. 

I went through some bad times in the recent last few years, times when I was awash with grief and sadness and overwhelming anxiety. 

But I had Mose. He was always right there. 

Right there. 

I know it will ease, 

I know it will get better. 

I'll move forward because I have to. 

I have amazing friends that I will see, I will be with my kids and my grandkids.

I'll do things, get out of the house, work and shop and go for walks. 

This pain, I assume, will lessen. 

I will not have another dog. My circumstances and my heart will not allow it. I have 2 cats, who are generous but inconsistent with their attention. They are much more interested in what I can do for them. They do not have the unwavering adoration that my dog had for me nor do I for them. 

But they distract me and that's good. They give me a reason to get up, if only to feed them. 

I'll be fine. But I want my dog. 

SG

Contusion of the soul.

Mose is ready for anything. 

I would have to say, overall, I feel fairly powerless these days. Our political climate in this country is just ...bad. It's like our country has some sort of terrible disease  and no one is offering any real treatments or options. It's fear, panic, and frustration 24/7. We yell, we march, we protest, we petition, and yet all this SHIT is happening all around us. A tsunami of events that we could not have made up in our worst nightmares is now our reality. 

When 45 dropped that hellish bomb last week, I cried. I was weepy or openly sobbing for hours. I just couldn't get on top of it. The reality of what it must have been like for those people to have this monstrous thing drop down on them, is beyond what I could absorb. I felt stunned.  I know many who felt the same way. I'm crying again while I write this. My very soul feels bruised by this horror. And every day it's something new, isn't it?

Everyday I read some terrible new repulsive thing that our leader is trying to jam down our throats and I could scream. Our leaders, not all but certainly the most visible ones, are apparently lunatics. It is a liberal girls nightmare and just seems to get worse daily. Its UNFATHOMABLE to me and many others, what the hell these people are thinking!! 

Are they thinking??  

On top of this national reality show gone bad is my own small world. 
With my banged up heart. 

Yes, my heart was broken recently-ish. It was not the first time and I'm pretty sure it wont be the last since it seems to be part of the human condition. 

But, holy cow, I really TRIED to not let it happen this time. 

 I did my own personal relationship version of marching, protesting, and petitioning and it still didn't go the way I hoped. This relationship circled the drain for a long time, feeding my hope and letting me believe again. 

It was, shall we say, painful. 

And disheartening. 

I'm fine. 

I mean, don't get me wrong,  there was some days that I felt like I was walking through broken glass trying to find a safe path through the shards. Those days became less and now spring has finally taken hold ( I hope!!) so at least in the small picture, hope can be found. 
We can hope even while sorting through the pain and disappointment and shame ( yes shame, that's another blog) and upset after a situation implodes. 

We NEED to hope. 

Because, here's the thing:

People are just so goddam ...fragile. 
And full of flaws. 

Every fucking one of us. 
We can and should recognize that is the case but it doesn't mean that sweetness isn't there. 
We can find the sweetness and need to remember to look. That is what hope is for me: remembering to look for the sweetness. 

We cant necessarily change the big crappy stuff that's going on around us. YES...we should continue to fight the good fight! Make some noise, scream, yell, march, work with others to change the wrongs. 

But we also have to take the time to hear that small voice inside that says "hey, i could use a little break here, whattya say?" 
And step out of lane for a bit. 
Whether its to take a breather from the big picture insanity or to give your broken heart time to heal. 

So I am trying as hard as I can to stay "present". and in the moment as much as possible in my small but messy life. That's what I am capable of when I feel powerless in the big picture, and that's what I NEED when I am overwhelmed with the small picture. 

Go and find joy in the day. 
Love people. 
Laugh with friends and sometimes cry with them. 
Eat some really yummy food. 
GO OUTSIDE

I plan on hugging my grand girls and watching them run crazy around the yard. 
And walking the Mose
And laughing at myself at least 3 times today. 
You?

S'all good, 

SG